It was nine months ago today that Valerie died.

I haven’t written anything about her in a while, though she is always on my mind. For a while, I was marking the days, then the months on Facebook. I realize that it is a pretty drama-based thing to do, so I am refraining from it this month. But I need to acknowledge it in some way, acknowledge the pain I am in and how much I love and miss her. Even as I write this, tears roll down my face and soak my shirt. I can’t stop.

Today has been a wash. I did manage to go to the gym today and get in a good 50 minute swim. It helps. I find that when I swim, I’m so focused on it that I don’t have room to think of anything else. Besides, pool water hides tears.

But once I got home, I just crawled into bed. I’ve been in the fetal position, clutching a stuffed animal that I got her when she was accepted into the Binghamton doctoral program. It was a furry dinosaur, and it actually freaked her out some. Sometimes things would just get into her head like that.

She was such a special person, and I miss her so much.