I haven’t updated in a while, because I have been so stunned by the massacre in Sandy Hook (about an hour’s drive from here) that I have been afraid that if I posted, it would just turn into a massive butt ripping of the NRA and their culture of stonewalling gun regulation laws while mass shootings increase (Aurora happened only 6 months ago).

I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about Jewish Christmas (no, not Hannukah).

My family usually could not get together for Hannukah.  Everyone had to work or go to school, and to tell the truth, Hannukah isn’t that important a holiday.  But we always got together for Christmas.

Jewish Christmas!!!

We did what the goyim did, exchanged our Hannukah presents, got drunk, you know, the important stuff.  It’s a cliche, but we ordered Chinese food, and it was always extra delicious.  In fact, I am thinking of ordering Chinese food right now.

It always seemed strange that the Christians effectively got to tell us when and where we could celebrate our holiday, but it’s a small price to pay considering that 70 years ago we were almost exterminated.  I should be grateful that I’m not getting Zyklon-B in my stocking.

That’s in bad taste.  I apologize in advance.

But anyway, I will now bless you with my Top Five Favorite Things About Jewish Christmas

• 5. Chinese Food — Like I mentioned above, chinese food is extra delicious on Christmas.  But it’s also the company.  Usually, when I eat chinese, I am sitting in my underwear and watching the Jets lose.  It’s nice to sit around the table with my family and pass around the dishes, family style.  As long as I get an egg roll.
• 4. Booze — My parents were never fond of me drinking(my mom didn’t drink, and my dad does rarely), but on holidays, I get a pass.  My aunt always had a couple of bottles of wine at her house, and I got to be drunk in front of Gramma.
• 3. Obscure Christmas Music — popular Christmas music is boring, but there are some great Christmas songs out there.  Like this one.

and this one:

• 2. The End of Christmas Music — By the time it’s Christmas, I’m done.  No more Noels, no more Silent Nights.

and the number 1 reason . . .

• 1. My Family — Sometimes I can’t stand them, but now that I am losing them, I miss and appreciate them more.  I wish I had the chance to spend 20 more Jewish Christmases with my Mom.  Merry Jewish Christmas in Heaven, Mom.  I miss you so much.

Merry Christmas, my goyish friends!!!