Tag Archives: humor

My First Attempt at Stand Up Comedy

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Last year, me and Val took a class on humor writing at the Hudson Valley Writer’s Center.  I had no intention of ever doing stand up (I would literally pee myself on stage, which would actually be hilarious and probably make me a star.) but one of the assignments was to write a comedy routine.

So I did it, and I thought nothing of it until I found my notebook from the class.  I thought “what the hell, I’ve got nothing else to write about today, let me humiliate myself online with my hack comedy.  Waka waka, muthafukka!”

Put some pants on, goddammit!!

So the world is going to shit, but I’ve got the cure for it . . . Cannibalism.  What better way to solve the hunger problem than to eat the fat bastards that are causing it?

The average American could feed a villiage.  Me?  I can feed a city.

You know where that would go over great?  New York.  It doesn’t matter what kind of meat it is, if you sell it from a cart, we’ll eat it.

Seriously, I think that “schwarma” is Arab for “subway rat.”

I’m from NYC, and I love it.  It’s the only place where you know your neighborhood by the unique scent of its homeless pee.

*sniff* ahh, that’s “Rusty Shiv Tony,”  I must be in Fort Greene.

New Yorkers have a reputation for being rude.  We’re not rude, you’re in the way.

I’m a pretty nice guy, but if you stop in front of me to look at the pretty buildings, I will dropkick your ass into oncoming traffic

I hate reality TV.  I get all the reality I need from realy life.

I never even knew what a kardashian was until last year.  Now my penis runs their fan club

It has a “Kourtney and Scott 4eva” tatoo down the shaft.

I used to love Survivor, but they need to up the tension.  How about a special “Hunger Games” edition?

The winner gets to eat the loser.  Cannibalism wins again!!

So yeah, that happened.  I also wrote a short story for the class called “The Kid and the Casserole,” but I am having a lot of trouble selling it.  And let’s face it, a story doesn’t exist until an editor arbitrarily chooses it and pays you nothing for it.

Remember, you can check out some of my short stories and articles right here.  Make it so.

Picard using Prof X’s telepathy

 

“I Lost My Underwear” and Other Gems

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I decided that I will go back to keeping a journal with me to write down my random thoughts.  I have done this in the past and it helped me come up with all sorts of writing ideas.  Mostly it is crap, but there are a few gems in there.  I thought that I might share some of my favorites with you.

  • 3:50 pm — I like Chock Full of Nuts.  My roommate likes Folgers.  Now we must Kung Fu fight.
  • 3:55 pm — Bacon has been co-opted by hipsters.  How can you like pig meat and Whole Foods at the same time?
  • 9AM — I am eating slices of corned beef for breakfast and nothing else.  I am such a healthy dude.
  • 2:30 — I walked into the gas station and lost my underwear.  I wore an old pair with the elastic stretched out.  With each step, i felt the fabric inching downward.  By the time I got back home, it was hanging from the crotch of my shorts for dear life.  Have you ever had a conversation while losing your pants . . . I mean, without alcohol?
  • 1PM — I really need to get some work done.  Stupid internet.
  • 9:30 AM — I had a dream last night where Taco Bell banned me from sitting in one of their seats.  There are some dreams that only fat people have.
  • 6PM — That first bite of pizza melted my face like the Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • and from today, 6PM — Feeling lazy.  have to pee.  Considering pissing myself.