Category Archives: Personal Life

Not a Blue Christmas, a Jew Christmas! (Top 5 Awesome Things About Jewish Christmas)

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I haven’t updated in a while, because I have been so stunned by the massacre in Sandy Hook (about an hour’s drive from here) that I have been afraid that if I posted, it would just turn into a massive butt ripping of the NRA and their culture of stonewalling gun regulation laws while mass shootings increase (Aurora happened only 6 months ago).

I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about Jewish Christmas (no, not Hannukah).

My family usually could not get together for Hannukah.  Everyone had to work or go to school, and to tell the truth, Hannukah isn’t that important a holiday.  But we always got together for Christmas.

Jewish Christmas!!!

We did what the goyim did, exchanged our Hannukah presents, got drunk, you know, the important stuff.  It’s a cliche, but we ordered Chinese food, and it was always extra delicious.  In fact, I am thinking of ordering Chinese food right now.

It always seemed strange that the Christians effectively got to tell us when and where we could celebrate our holiday, but it’s a small price to pay considering that 70 years ago we were almost exterminated.  I should be grateful that I’m not getting Zyklon-B in my stocking.

That’s in bad taste.  I apologize in advance.

But anyway, I will now bless you with my Top Five Favorite Things About Jewish Christmas

  • 5. Chinese Food — Like I mentioned above, chinese food is extra delicious on Christmas.  But it’s also the company.  Usually, when I eat chinese, I am sitting in my underwear and watching the Jets lose.  It’s nice to sit around the table with my family and pass around the dishes, family style.  As long as I get an egg roll.
  • 4. Booze — My parents were never fond of me drinking(my mom didn’t drink, and my dad does rarely), but on holidays, I get a pass.  My aunt always had a couple of bottles of wine at her house, and I got to be drunk in front of Gramma.
  • 3. Obscure Christmas Music — popular Christmas music is boring, but there are some great Christmas songs out there.  Like this one.

and this one:

  • 2. The End of Christmas Music — By the time it’s Christmas, I’m done.  No more Noels, no more Silent Nights.

and the number 1 reason . . .

  • 1. My Family — Sometimes I can’t stand them, but now that I am losing them, I miss and appreciate them more.  I wish I had the chance to spend 20 more Jewish Christmases with my Mom.  Merry Jewish Christmas in Heaven, Mom.  I miss you so much.

Merry Christmas, my goyish friends!!!

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Barbershops and Boobies

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I went to get a haircut today, as I was starting to look like a sheepdog.  The woman that cut my hair was very nice and very pretty.  As she was cutting my hair, I became intensely aware of how intimate the barber/barbee relationship really is.

The barber is not only right in your face, she is on it.  How many people do you allow to touch your head, not to mention that she has sharp scissors while doing so.  This woman was running her fingers through my hair, pushing my head up and down . . . who the hell does that?

Perhaps the most awkward part is that for at least half of the haircut, the barber’s breasts are right in your face.  I–as I’m sure you can tell–am a gentleman, and I do my best to look away, lest the kind lady think that I am some leering pervert.  But it’s hard, people.  It’s hard (no pun intended).

I don’t think that women truly understand the power that breasts have over us men.  There is a small gap of influence–from age 2 to age 11 or so–where breasts have no effect on us.  For the rest of our lives, they are the Sun that our world orbits around.  They either mean food, or they mean sex.  As many a hack comedian will tell you, all men need to survive is food and sex.  That’s all we want.  to tell the truth, it’s pretty damn accurate.

Of course I like other things.  I like writing, I like sports.  I like the comforter when it’s fresh from the dryer.  I like chinese buffets.  But none of these things have such a grip on me as food and sex.

I don’t think that this makes me misogynistic, I certainly have never seen myself as so.  It’s just a fact of life, and this is why I avoid getting haircuts.

Also, I have beautiful hair.

Hannukah

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Also I am not particularly religious, I identify very strongly with my Jewish heritage.  I am very proud of our accomplishments and simply the fact that I can say “I belong to a People that have existed for 3500 years.”  Not many ethnicities can say that.

Of course, those of you who have read my writing (hopefully all of you) can see the influence there.  I recently wrote a short story (still unpublished) called “The Kid and the Casserole” about a jewish man and his shiksa goddess.  He is put in a position where he has to defend his ethnicity against the onslaught of “Whiteness” into his kitchen.  Looking at it now, it might need some revision, but still . . . casseroles and hot shiksas.

I do not have a menorah, and it is Hanukah.  I was hoping to go out and get one today, but I got bogged down with napping (I stayed over at Valerie’s last night and didn’t get much sleep . . . giggity).  I know that most of my family doesn’t care, but I care, and I am disappointed in myself.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow before the Jets’ game.

This is my first blog entry.  Let’s see how it goes . . .