In Dreams…And Nightmares

The nightmares have started again.

If you don’t know, I have nightmares about my late fiance. I was there, completely helpless, when she died a horrible death. I relive it at night. It used to be every night and the day too in the first year after she died. The only thing that has kept the nightmares away is sleeping with someone next to me. But now the nightmares are finding a way through.

Combining that with waking up at 4am (because my brain demands it), means that I’m mentally exhausted all of the time. I also think that this new wake up time is caused by the numerous concussions I’ve received as a special ed teacher. I’ve developed Old Man Brain.

Things aren’t great here, but at least the sequel to The Watchmage of Old New York is coming out soon. BTW, it’s 99 cents right now. Pick it up. It’s worth your dollar and more.

Yes, that was a shameless plug, but man’s gotta eat…and sleep.

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It’s 4:30 in the morning, the sky is black as a locked closet, and I am awake.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m not happy about this.

I woke up around 4 and hoped that I could fall back to sleep, but I can’t. I fought with it, wrestled with it, pleaded, negotiated, bribed…nothing could convince my body to go the hell to sleep. I have Upsomnia.

It’s not exactly insomnia. I can fall asleep at first. It’s more that something wakes me up after a few hours and my mind won’t let me get back into that sleep mode. Today it was a bad dream that hit me right in the insecurities. I have a lot on my mind, and I’ve been feeling a bit of the “spring fever,” where my thoughts are everywhere.

I’m not wide awake either. Actually I’m heckin groggy. I’m in that awful land between sharp and smooth. I’m a dull knife, and everyone knows that they hurt the most when you stab with them.

insomnia darkside

Maybe this is good. I write better when I’m angry, and lack of sleep makes me…well…you know. I’ve been having trouble writing anything coherent in my latest novel. Maybe this will focus me. I have to let the hate flow through me like lightning and embalming fluid.

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