Author Archives: C. A. Sanders

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About C. A. Sanders

Hi, everyone. I am a semi-established writer of fiction and non-fiction. I live in Rockland County, NY, where I ply my trade and occasionally get paid for it. You can see my full website, with links to published work and my blog, at www.casanders.net

Wrestling With God

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It was a month since Valerie died on the 24th. It feels like so much longer, like I’ve lived ten empty, soulless years since losing her. Every day, every minute, every instance drags on forever. Everything reminds me of her, not the obvious things like her action figure collection or the poem that I taped to my wall, but little things. I took out the garbage earlier, and I passed by where she parked on her last visit. It was the spot of our last kiss. I knew that I was kissing her goodbye, but I didn’t think that it was forever.

What kind of God would do this?  What kind of monster would snuff someone so wonderful, and do it in her prime?
People tell me that it is all part of God’s plan.  God’s plan?  Plan for what?  What makes anyone think that it’s a good plan?  Look at all the suffering in the world.  If God is omnipotent, then why does he have to kill, unless he WANTS to?

So what’s the deal?  Either God isn’t good, or God isn’t omnipotent.  Or maybe God doesn’t exist.

I don’t know.

Against my better judgement, I choose to believe in God.  I do this only because the thought of never seeing Valerie again, (or my Mom, gramma, grampa, etc) is too much for me to bear.  I have to believe, because the belief that she is still with me is all that keeps me going.  I don’t care if I am deluding myself, the delusion is better than reality.

But then WHY?  Why do you kill?  Why do you cause pain?  If you are all powerful, why do you allow these things?

Maybe God isn’t all powerful.  Maybe there is evil out there just as powerful.  This appeals to the fantasy writer in me, an epic battle between good and evil with the Earth at stake.  But being appealing doesn’t make it real

Maybe this is Hell.  We’ve already lived horrible lives and died, and our existance here is punishment for the life that we led.  That explains the massive amount of pain and suffering in the world.  We all deserve it, because we are bad people.

Maybe God only watches, but doesn’t step in.  Cold and unfeeling, he looks us over like someone watching the History Channel, caring nothing for the people involved.

The thing is, none of else will ever know.  The only “proof” is “faith” and they are not the same thing.

I do know that I’ve been calling out God for weeks now, but he won’t get in the ring.

Motion + Lotion = Self Promotion?

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I don’t enjoy promoting my work. I find it very embarrassing, and I fear that I annoy my friends with the constant Facebook posts and Tweets.  I don’t think that I am very good at it.  I am good at writing, and to be honest, that is all that I am good at (that, and cunnilingus…ask your mom).

So when I ask people to check out my serial “The Watchmage of Old New York” for free at Jukepop Serials, I am embarassed.  I am not a bold person and this is a problem, because if I can’t promote myself as a writer, I am bound to fail.  I don’t have anything else to fall back on, I have no useful skills.  If I fail, I am pretty much fucked.

I have the motion, but I don’t have the lotion.  I am not smooth.  I am ashamed.  I blush and I shake as I type when I ask people to VOTE for “Watchmage” (you can vote once for each chapter) and to share “Watchmage” with your friends through Twitter and Facebook posts.  When I brag that “Watchmage” is on the Editor’s Picks list, I only do so because it means that the story is one of the top serial on a website that only takes top serials.  I am proud, because I wrote a good story and I want people to enjoy it.

It’s only going to get harder when my novel comes out, and even harder than that when my second novel is done (1st draft should be done by April).

Fellow writers, I would love to hear how you got over the embarassment of self promotion.  Also, what techniques do you use to promote.  I think that I’ve gotten as much out of Facebook and Twitter as possible.  I started using TuesdaySerial, but I don’t know how much it has helped.

Readers, i would love to hear you opinions on self promotion. does it have a negative effect?  What can I do to improve my technique?  I want your feedback.  I want to not offend.

 

Oh, Batman, you wacky crime fighter, you

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I inherited all of Valerie’s action figures.  She had many of them, and she would pose them in compromising positions, because what else do you do with action figures. (Besides Gay Action Figure Theater)
my shelf is now filled with action figures, and yes, they are all doing naughty naughty things.  My favorite combo is Obi-wan Kenobi fisting Harry Potter, but equally entertaining is Batman and Bane taggin up on The Joker.

This, of course, reminds me of The Dark Knight Rises, which pissed me off to no end.

I could go on forever about how terrible the movie was, but that’s not what this is about.  This is about Val.

We saw that awful movie together, and afterwards, we talked about it.  I was much more critical of it than Val, who was generally nonjudgemental.  We decided to go home and write stories based on what happened to Batman after the movie.  I wrote “Masked Man Works at Shop-Rite,” which was eventually published.

Valerie wrote this work of brilliance, “The Dark Knight Upsells.”  I’ll let it speak for itself 🙂

Val loved to write fan fiction.  I’ve been looking at fanfic sites on line, and she has stuff on all of them.  She wrote for the sheer joy of writing.  I wish that I could be like that, but I can so caught up in trying to make a living as a writer that I only write things that I can sell.  She never worried about that.  I mean, yes, she was a professor too and I am not, but even then, she didn’t have the drive to publish and promote that I do.  This is just one of a million reason why she was a better person than me.  Not that I’m a bad guy, she’s just better.

Speaking of only writing things that I can sell, Chapter 6 of “The Watchmage of New York” is ready at Jukepop Serials, and it’s still on the Editor’s Picks list.  If you haven’t checked out my serial yet, you really should.  It’s good, one of the best things that I’ve ever written (and I’ve written some very good stuff).  You have to register to get beyond chapter 1, but its free registration.  If you love webfiction, fantasy, mysteries, and demand historical accuracy next to your trolls and pixies, Watchmage is the way to go.

If you do go to read it, please VOTE for it (at the bottom) and share it with other people (on facebook, twitter, your blog, etc).  I hate to ask all the time, but this is my job, and if you don’t promote, you perish.  You have to be shameless.

Also, if you want to add me on facebook or twitter (CraigASanders), you can do that too.  (Just message me when you add me on facebook, so I know that you’re not a scam).

(Valentine’s Day is Killing Me) A Poem From Val

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It has been 21 days since Valerie died. 23 days since that horrible evening when I found her. 22 days since the doctor told us that she had no brain activity. I count every day, every minute, every moment without her, as if my counting will somehow bring her back.

It won’t.

I wanted to share a poem that Val wrote for me early on in our relationship.  I think that it was about 4 or 5 months in.  She made a greeting card for me, and she taped little things, inside jokes or moments we shared together.  Little instances that only I would understand the significance of.

And then she wrote this poem:

The way that you treat me

Makes me want to give you more.

So I made a homemade greeting card,

Because I’m kind of poor.

Thank you for all the kisses,

All the hug invitations,

All the times you made me laugh,

And the long conversations.

Thank you for making me smile

Whereever we went.

Thank you for being the world’s best

Antidepressant.

All I ask of you

Is to tell me what you need,

So I can work hard to make you

As happy as you’ve made me.

Gay Action Figure Theater (NSFW)

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As I’ve mentioned here before (I think), Valerie used to collect action figures.  Sometimes she would pose them in naughty positions, but hey, who didn’t?  I inherited her action figures, and as a tribute to her, they are all making sweet sweet love down by the metaphorical fire.

She also made this incredible youtube series using her action figures called “Gay Action Figure Theater.”  It’s stars Buffy, Rogue, My Chemical Romance, Pete Wentz, Batman, and Oscar Wilde, among others.  Not only is it brilliantly witty and charming, it does a pretty good job of capturing who Valerie was (especially the rant at the end of part 2).

I love this so much and I wanted to share it with you.  Feel free to share it with the ones you love too.  And hug them, don’t forget to hug them.

 

Looking for something to do?

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Are you snowed in like me? Tired of watching all of these damn snowflakes fall sideways onto the ground?  Crying of boredom into your steaming mug of hot cocoa (with tiny marshmallows, of course)?

Don’t be jealous, I’m actually drinking tea…stupid diet

I’ve got a great idea…

Why don’t you catch up on The Watchmage of Old New York, my fantastic serial from Jukepopserials.com.  Watchmage… is currently an Editor’s Pick, so you know that it’s much, much better than most online drivel.  Of course, if you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I’m a damn good writer, and should not be surprised.

Registration is required for more than the first “chapter.”  Lucklily, I jammed two chapter’s worth into the first one, so you can read a good 4000 words before having to register, not that it’s hard.  That’s like Two Chapters for the Work of One!!

But the best thing that you can do is to VOTE for Watchmage at the bottom of the page.  VOTING not only lets the editors know that people like my work (helping me to sell work in the future) but it entitles me to earn cash bonuses if i pass certain milestones.

It’s also a very good story, a Cross-Genre Fantasy that mixes historical, magical, noir, and mystery elements into one great big pile of Awesomeness.  Think Buffy meets The Dresden Files meets Ugly Americans meets American Gods meets Gangs of New York.

Where else will you find a Fire Elemental on one page, and a Lower East Side rabbi that quotes Emerson on another?  And I haven’t even mentioned the faerie mafia…yet.

So Read!  Vote!  Share with your Friends!  Tell your Friends to Read!  Vote!  Share with their Friends!  So that their friends can Read!  Vote!  Share with their Friends…

I was just thinking about…

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About how Valerie and I would sometimes have “working dates,” where I could sit on her couch, typing away at my latest story or editing my novel. She would sit and work at her desk (she always worked at her desk) with Rancid or The Transplants or any one of the millions of Tim Armstrong projects pumping his frantic mumbling into the airwaves.  Valerie loved to work.  She loved to be doing something, anything.  We both found comfort in our work and in each other.

There is a reason why this is so extraordinary:  I don’t like people.  What I mean is that when there are people around me, it raises my stress levels.  At times it has caused panic attacks, though this is usually associated with a bipolar cycle.  It is very hard for me to be in public.  I often have vomiting fits from being around too many people.  I usually put on a persona–a super-nice, polite guy who isn’t me at all–in order to survive.  Of course, people like the super-nice me better than the real me.

There are only a few people that do not trigger this reaction.  My brother, Scott, is one, I’ve had a lifetime with him.  Some of my friends from college (Like Osvaldo) are others, but it took a long time to feel that way.  The same with my college girlfriend, Jolene.

Valerie was the only one where I felt that way immediately.  She made me feel so comfortable, she became a part of who I am so quickly and completely.  It was like she was always there, and I didn’t know it until I met her.

Damn, I am crying again.

Switching to a more postivie topic, Chapter Four of The Watchmage of Old New York is up and running at Jukepop Serials.  I suggest that you read it, vote for it (you have to register, but that takes half a minute) and share it with your geekier friends.  You can vote once for each chapter, which means that right now each of you can give me 4 votes.  The votes are what keep the serial alive, and if I get enough, I can get bonus money.  To a starving artist like me, that bonus money means that I can buy new pants…I really need new pants.