After reading a bunch of the comments on a few YahooNews stories, I am feeling very Wordsworthy.
The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
The Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.–Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.
Oy vey! I went to Valerie’s mom’s place for Christian Christmas (as opposed to Jewish Christmas). So much food! So many presents! I’m in shock.
This is only the second time that I have celebrated Christmas with real live Christians. I have to admit, it is a fun holiday. The traditions, the egg nogg . . . ohhhh the egg nogg. Yesterday I was craving egg nogg so bad that I went out in the snow storm to get some.
Egg Nogg — what makes family bearable
I was shocked at the huge number of presents that I got. Stocking stuffers are a concept that doesn’t exist in Hannukah. They’re awesome, because you have more things to open up, and the surprise of unwrapping is the best part of any present.
This is my haul:
A box of Spree
2 bags of Skittles
a Jets scarf
a Jets blanket (already draped over my couch)
The Muppets Take Manhattan DVD (My woman knows me so well)
Kermit’s Swamp Years DVD (more muppets!)
Jay and Silent Bob action figures
I am such a man-child.
So what I have to say is: If Christians want to convert people from other religions, just expose us to Christmas . . . I ate ham! A big baked ham, and while I never kept kosher as a kid, we never had baked ham for dinner either. A couple of egg noggs and some “A Christmas Story” and you can convert the Ayotolla.
Have I mentioned that my girlfriend has a novel out? It’s called “The Epic Love Story of Doug and Stephen,” and it is hilarious. The greatest gay romantic stoner comedy ever (but it’s funny for straight people too). You can buy it here for only 99 cents!
I haven’t updated in a while, because I have been so stunned by the massacre in Sandy Hook (about an hour’s drive from here) that I have been afraid that if I posted, it would just turn into a massive butt ripping of the NRA and their culture of stonewalling gun regulation laws while mass shootings increase (Aurora happened only 6 months ago).
I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about Jewish Christmas (no, not Hannukah).
My family usually could not get together for Hannukah. Everyone had to work or go to school, and to tell the truth, Hannukah isn’t that important a holiday. But we always got together for Christmas.
Jewish Christmas!!!
We did what the goyim did, exchanged our Hannukah presents, got drunk, you know, the important stuff. It’s a cliche, but we ordered Chinese food, and it was always extra delicious. In fact, I am thinking of ordering Chinese food right now.
It always seemed strange that the Christians effectively got to tell us when and where we could celebrate our holiday, but it’s a small price to pay considering that 70 years ago we were almost exterminated. I should be grateful that I’m not getting Zyklon-B in my stocking.
That’s in bad taste. I apologize in advance.
But anyway, I will now bless you with my Top Five Favorite Things About Jewish Christmas
5. Chinese Food — Like I mentioned above, chinese food is extra delicious on Christmas. But it’s also the company. Usually, when I eat chinese, I am sitting in my underwear and watching the Jets lose. It’s nice to sit around the table with my family and pass around the dishes, family style. As long as I get an egg roll.
4. Booze — My parents were never fond of me drinking(my mom didn’t drink, and my dad does rarely), but on holidays, I get a pass. My aunt always had a couple of bottles of wine at her house, and I got to be drunk in front of Gramma.
3. Obscure Christmas Music — popular Christmas music is boring, but there are some great Christmas songs out there. Like this one.
and this one:
2. The End of Christmas Music — By the time it’s Christmas, I’m done. No more Noels, no more Silent Nights.
and the number 1 reason . . .
1. My Family — Sometimes I can’t stand them, but now that I am losing them, I miss and appreciate them more. I wish I had the chance to spend 20 more Jewish Christmases with my Mom. Merry Jewish Christmas in Heaven, Mom. I miss you so much.
I promised myself that I would avoid politcal and religious rants here, and yet here I am. It’s because of what happened to me at Shop-Rite today. As I am collecting my bags, the cashier said to me “Merry Christmas.”
Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but today it did. There was something in the tone of his voice; something that implied that Christmas was the only holiday that happens. So what set me off?
Maybe it is because we are in the middle of Hannukah (no correct spelling, because the word comes from a different alphabet (an Aleph-Bet!!! all the jews get it!)
Maybe it is because I am obviously Jewish (I had Maneshevitz chicken stock and egg noodles, and he rang them up no more than 30 seconds prior, not to mention that I look Jewish.)
Maybe it’s because we live in the county with the HIGHEST POPULATION DENSITY OF JEWS IN THE COUNTRY (Rockland County, NY) and he still acted like Hannukah didn’t exist.
So what did I do? Nothing. But in my head, this is how the conversation went:
Cashier: Have a merry christmas
Me: And you have a happy hannukah
Cashier: But I’m not Jewish
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought that we were playing the “presume to know the religion of someone and then condescend to them like a douchebag” game.
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. This isn’t Montana. 31% of the population in Rockland is Jewish, is it too hard to say “Happy Holidays?”
And since when did “E Pluribus Unum” mean “In God we trust” (god, of course, being Jesus.) It means “From Many, One.” We come from many cultures, and these cultures form together (Like Voltron, or a Megazord) to become one. It does not mean “You come from many cultures, and then we eat them up and force you to celebrate our holiday through saturation and social shaming.”
And don’t even get me started on Jewish stereotypes in the media . . . (I’ll save that one for another time, maybe tomorrow) But for now, try to think of a Jewish tv character that is not a stereotype.
Happy birthday in Heaven, Mom
I do not know if there is a Heaven, but if there is, I know that you are up there looking down at me.
Please don’t watch me poop.
Also I am not particularly religious, I identify very strongly with my Jewish heritage. I am very proud of our accomplishments and simply the fact that I can say “I belong to a People that have existed for 3500 years.” Not many ethnicities can say that.
Of course, those of you who have read my writing (hopefully all of you) can see the influence there. I recently wrote a short story (still unpublished) called “The Kid and the Casserole” about a jewish man and his shiksa goddess. He is put in a position where he has to defend his ethnicity against the onslaught of “Whiteness” into his kitchen. Looking at it now, it might need some revision, but still . . . casseroles and hot shiksas.
I do not have a menorah, and it is Hanukah. I was hoping to go out and get one today, but I got bogged down with napping (I stayed over at Valerie’s last night and didn’t get much sleep . . . giggity). I know that most of my family doesn’t care, but I care, and I am disappointed in myself.
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