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About C. A. Sanders

Hi, everyone. I am a semi-established writer of fiction and non-fiction. I live in Rockland County, NY, where I ply my trade and occasionally get paid for it. You can see my full website, with links to published work and my blog, at www.casanders.net

Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I turned 37 (in a row!? nsfw)  on the 13th, but I feel like 50.  Medical bills are adding up, and my body is subtracting.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much weight I lose (70 pounds since February), my body still rebels against me.

I know that I shouldn’t kvetch, but I’m a Jew and that’s my birthright.

To summarize: my ins is refusing to cover 2 meds that they used to, without which I will die.  My endocrine system is fucked. I have a toothache, and I can’t find a dentist that takes my ins.  I injured my knee swimming in November and was misdiagnosed.  Now I have to go in for an MRI to search for ligament damage.  I’m severely bipolar, with anxiety and panic attacks that induce vomiting. I have asthma. I have sleep apnea, but the cpap machine causes panic attacks (having to rip off the mask to throw up is not pleasant. I have the beginnings of Barret’s esophagus (which will eventually cause esophageal cancer, one of the most lethal cancers).  My left foot sometimes goes numb, and I have a B12 deficiency.

Many of these things I’ve lived with all my life, and I have come to terms with.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar syndrome by age 14.  They put me on Lithium, which I think damaged my endocrine system.  I always had asthma.  Everything else is a brand new fucking experience.

This is why I throw myself into my writing.  This is why I aim for a book a year.  I want to leave something behind when I die, something that people can enjoy, that will live on beyond me.  But one book isn’t enough.  Ten might not be enough.  I will never be satisfied with what I’ve done, and I feel like I have a short while to do it.

Valerie died when she was 35.  She was a brilliant writer, with who knows how many great stories still left inside of her.  She was working on her 3rd novel when she died, and it will remain unfinished.  I keep putting off publishing her anthology because I am selfish and driven.  I keep saying “when I finish this chapter, or this book, or whatever.”  One day I am going to die and I hope that it’s not before I get her shit together.  Her work means more to me than my own, so why do I keep putting it off?

No matter how much I may want to, I am not ready to join her yet.  I have miles to go before I sleep.

 

Back to School, Sort Of

Today I went back to my old high school to talk to the kids. Something about “inspiring them to achieve their dreams through hard work, you can be anything you want, blah blah blah.” I think most of that is true, but it feels weird to be on the other side of that speech. I don’t know if the kids really bought it.

Everyone treats the fact I wrote a novel to be some amazing achievement. It’s not. It’s the natural culmination of what I’ve been doing since I was right there in the chairs those kids were sitting in. I wasn’t struck by dumb luck or divine inspiration. I went to college for Creative Writing. I graduated and started writing for magazines. I paid my dues. I did all the Charlie-work. I fine tuned my craft. It’s not like this came out of nowhere.

Maybe that’s the point. You can one day say “I’m gonna write a novel,” and do it, but it will probably suck. Writing is like any other craft. You have to study. You have to practice. You have to work your goddamn ass off to get good.

A lot of people ignore that. They take short cuts. It shows.

But back to the topic. I really don’t feel like I’ve done anything extraordinary, because it’s something that I’ve done all my life. If I was to suddenly star in a movie or fly a plane, that would be extraordinary. A writer writes, that’s what he’s meant to be. Writing is like breathing, and there’s no other way for a writer to live.

So I went back to school. I said a few words, signed a book, took pictures with the staff and kids. All the while I was thinking about what to write next.

I told you, it’s like breathing.

PS: I almost forgot, yesterday was my birthday. Happy happy, blah blah blah

Happy Anniversary Valerie

Today is the anniversary of the day Valerie and I met. We went to a little Italian place in Ossining called Capri and to Starbucks afterwards. It was the best date that I ever had. We had been talking for a couple of months already through Okcupid, so I pretty much knew that I would like her. I did not expect to be blown away. By the end of the night, I was thoroughly enamored.

I decided not to visit her grave today, as the anniversary of her death is the 24th.

It’s a rare thing in life when you love someone so wholly, completely, and unconditionally. When I first started dating Val, I loved her and thought she was perfect. With time, I realized that she wasn’t perfect, that she was human, with flaws and quirks like the rest of us. She didn’t need a pedestal for me to put her on. I loved her even more for those quirks and flaws. I loved her for who she was, not who I might want her to be. I didn’t want her to be anything more than herself.

How often do people say “I love you, but”? I love you, but I wish you didn’t pick your nose. I love you, but I wish you’d find a better job. I love you, but I wish this or that. I didn’t “love her, but,” I “loved her, because.”

I miss her every day, and every day I will.

Daniel Wyatt?

(warning: this is a wrestling post.)
I am crazy for Daniel Bryan. I think that he’s the best thing that the WWE has today. But I am on the fence about having him join the Wyatt Family Clearly, the Wyatts have a lot of heat, and traditionally a stable has four members. Bryan fits, the reluctant member of a creepy cult, turned by the charm of the puppet master. The Wyatts needed a technical wrestler (he’s actually a speed/tech, to use vernacular from http://www.thewrestlinggame.com) to balance out their brawlers. Harper, Rowan, and Bray are all talented wrestlers, and adding Bryan puts them over the top in ability.

Yes! No! Maybe!

Bryan has also proven that he can act as well as wrestle (Team Hell No). If played right, we can see some real character development and compelling tv. Creative did something similar with Big Show, and it worked very well. They could go with the “in order to break the glass ceiling that’s keeping me down, I have to destroy everything. HHH wants ruthless aggression, I’ll make him tap out on those words.”

Speaking of tapping out, Bryan is a legit submission wrestler, having trained with Randy Couture’s stable. I’d like to see him bust out some of his particularly nasty holds, like Cattle Mutilation or the Muta Lock. They work in tag team wrestling, because there’s always someone there to break the hold. Seeing Bryan make someone scream would be very satisfying.

Regardless, the last Raw of the year, where Bryan turned after 40 minutes to 5 star wrestling,
was the best show of the year. Let’s see where they go from here.

And so this is Christmas…

Some of you might know that I am Jewish (I talk about it all the time), and I celebrate Chanukah (with a hard ‘ch’ like you’re clearing your throat).  What you may not know is that I, like many other Jews, celebrate Christmas.  We do this because we’re “encouraged” to by both society and by business.  Schools and jobs close for Christmas, but not Chanukah.  The only time that our family can get together is on Christmas.  We have to celebrate it by proxy.  So much for a “war on Christmas.”  It’s actually a war on every other winter holiday.

This year was especially awkward, since Chanukah fell so early.  My family had no get together this Christmas or Chanukah.  If you’re wondering why Chanukah moves around so much, it’s because the traditional Jewish calendar is lunar, not solar.  The Sun doesn’t vary its position in the sky very far in Israel.  It was much easier back then to track time by the Moon.

Penguins make it festive

Here’s an imaginary conversation with someone pissed off because I say “happy holidays”:

Me: Happy holidays
Them:  I’m Christian, blah blah blah Fox News blah blah blah War on Christmas blah blah blah Obamacare.

Me: Do you celebrate New Year’s?

Them: Of course

Me:  That’s two holidays.  Plural.  Happy holidays.

I do often celebrate Christmas though with a goyish family, or at least I try to.  I like the festive nature.  I like that people pretend to love each other, if only for a short while.  I like Christmas music.

During WWI, the warring sides actually had a truce during Christmas.  They say that you could hear the enemy singing Christmas carols from the other side of the trenches, and they joined together in song.  Then they went back to dropping mustard gas on each other.

During the American Revolution, Washington famously crossed the Delaware River late Christmas night for a surprise attack early morning on the 26th, the famous Battle of Trenton.  No blood on Christmas, plenty the day after.

Forgive me for being bitter, but last year’s Christmas was beautiful.  I was with Valerie and her family.  I was madly in love (still am), and enamored with my new family.  Less than a month later, Valerie was dead, and I have yet to recover.  I doubt I ever will.

The photo that I use as an avatar is the photo Val and I took for Val’s mom.  We put it in a nice frame.

The point is, wen I was younger, people often said “keep Christmas in your heart all year long,” but no one does.  We go right back to hating each other once the clock strikes midnight.

Merry Christmas.  Keep it in your heart all year long…in other words, don’t be a dick.

Shameless Plug

Is this too much?

So yeah, buy my book (Song of Simon, which kicks a lot of ass)

If you want a FREE taste of how awesome my stories are, check out “The Watchmage of Old New York” at JukePop Serials.  It just spent another week at #2 in popularity, with well over 3000 endorsements.  It’s also included in the new JukePop Anthology of the best of the site.

Have a great weekend, I love you all.
C.A.

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Craiggers Gettin His Teach On, and a few shots at NaNoWriMo

Hey there,
I wrote an article for All Things Book-Review about “World Building in Genre Fiction.”  It comes with silly youtube links (although the Bob Ross one at the end exactly reinforces what I’m saying) and a good worksheet at the end.  Here is the link.  I’d like to do several of them, as they come right from my lesson plans, and it’s stuff that aspiring writers need to know.


I used to be a teacher, and I still tutor English and History.  As such, I know a little bit (quite a bit) about writing theory and proper structure.  Planning ahead is very important if you want to write a good story, that is, if you want to write a good story without scrapping half of it.  And this is why I have serious issues with NaNo.

As some of you know, NaNo purposefully ignores structure (their motto is “no plot, no problem), leading to 1) formless nonsense with a weak plot and/or glaring plot holes, forcing the serious writer to throw out most of his work in order to fix it. or 2) a story that can’t be finished because the writer runs out of ideas and/or writes himself into a corner.  “No plot” is a serious problem.

Planning saves paper, people.

I like what Natalie Goldberg has to say about outlining.  Once you know what’s going to happen in a chapter, or from point to point, it gives your mind free rein to write as it sees fit, to flow in a natural, zen-like manner, the no-mind.

It’s like how a zen practitioner structures his meditation from gong to gong.  I’m paraphrasing, but the message is clear.
NaNo claims that it is allowing the writer to write without structure, but instead it does the opposite. The writer has to constantly think about what comes next.  It prevents the freedom to write.

It’s like a driver without a map, that has to constantly look for signs to tell them where to go.  Instead be the driver with a map that knows exactly where they’re going, free from stress, and wrong turns.  The successful NaNo writers I’ve seen have a plot in mind before they start writing.  Some even have (gasp) plot points and a chapter outline.

Let’s make September National Preparing for NaNo month (SeNaPreN?). While we’re at it, make December National Revising Your NaNo month (DeNaReYN?)

I’ve written about this before, and each time I am deluged with NaNo devotees that attack me as if I am attacking their religion. I suppose that I am, but I hate to see someone put so much effort into writing something meaningful, only to see it fall apart.

If only they looked before they leaped.

I’m sorry if you think “i’m being a dick,” I don’t “get it,” “it’s the community, man,” or “your writing probably sucks anyway.”  Maybe you’re right, but next time try planning ahead before you do NaNo.  I guarantee that your story will be much better.  Look.  Leap. Land on your feet.

Love ya, and Happy writing,
C.A.

craig with bandana cropped

Black Friday?

I don’t understand why they call it Black Friday. I mean, it’s a great song, but Steely Dan has written much better ones.

How about we call dec 19th “Hey Nineteen?”

If anything, we should call it Green Friday, since Shakespeare’s green-eyed monster takes so many people over.  I for one, don’t shop on Black Friday.  I hate shopping, I hate crowds, they give me panic attacks.  Going to the store during the worst shopping day of the year could possibly kill me.  I’d rather stay at home at kvetch about consumerism like the pretentious jackass I am.

Speaking of pretentious jackasses, I’m stunned that Family Guy killed off Brian.  He was my favorite character, my brother in douchebaggery. Dear Brian, in heaven, “Faster Than the Speed of Love” is a best seller. Here’s my favorite Brian moment.

A New Interview

Hey there.
I haven’t been very active lately. November is a hard month for me. Once the sun disappears, I get depressed. I’ve always been that way.

In addition, Valerie’s birthday was the 17th. I visited her grave with her mom. It was hard, so very hard. I left some carnations on the grave, and her mom left a carvel ice cream cake. They were her favorite, and a birthday tradition.

I wanted to post something about Valerie earlier, but even writing this small amount makes me cry. I honestly don’t know if it will ever get easier.

But that’s why I’ve been absent from the blog.

I do have some good news. There’s a new review for Song of Simon and interview of me at All Things Book-Review. I know that those of you that follow my blog know quite a bit about my life. This is a little more insight. I hope that you enjoy it. I can’t tell if I give good interviews or not. I try not to use the standard platitudes that most people do, but balancing that without sounding like a douchebag is hard.

Later,
Craig
craig with bandana cropped