Farewell Chyna

It’s never good to wake up and hear that one of your favorite wrestlers has passed away. That’s what happened today. Joanie Laurer, better known as Chyna, died last night in California. The medical examiners don’t know the cause yet, so I won’t speculate. All I can really talk about here are my feelings.

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The Giant and The Goat

A warning: This is another one of my pro wrestling posts. It’s not about wrestling per se, but rather the brilliant performers that sacrifice their health to entertain us. Even if you don’t like wrestling, you might still like this.

Carry on.

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Elimination Chamber: Review and Spoilers

I’m still on a high from last night’s Elimination Chamber. Man, what a show. This was easily the best PPV of the year so far, and it wasn’t even a PPV.

If HHH’s plan is too make the WWE Network necessary for fans, he did it with one incredible event. Because it was only available on the Network, all of the people that usually get PPVs through cable missed out. When they hear from their friends about what they missed…let’s just say that the $9.99 a month is well worth it.

The match of the night was Cena/Owens, most of the matches were high level. Let’s start from the beginning:

Pre-show: Stardust vs Zach Ryder: It bothers me that Stardust (Cody Rhodes) is down to preshow matches, but I enjoyed this one nonetheless. Ryder looks great. He’s been training hard, looks bigger, and is moving well in the ring. Cody is always good, but I think his run as Stardust needs to end. He’s main event potential, but gimmick characters rarely get the big push.

Tag Team Elim Chamber: This one saw all sorts of craziness. We had all of The New Day–who have really grown on me–Calisto hanging from the ceiling, Torito hanging from the ceiling, Titus O’Neil’s head going through the chains, and top notch wrestling all around. Even the Ascension looked good. FEEL THE POWER OF THE NEW DAY!!!

Nikki Bella vs Paige vs Naomi: I expected the title to change hands here, and was disappointed that it didn’t. Naomi has all the heat right now, and she deserves a title run. Some of the moves were sloppy, but there were some great ones as well. Paige proved again that she’s the most talented diva on the roster. If only AJ was still around, the divas division could be fantastic. I can hardly wait until some of the NXT divas come up.

John Cena vs Kevin Owens: There’s nothing I can say that will do this match justice. HHH is all in on Owens, and it showed, because Cena didn’t try to bury him. Owens got a chance to bust out all of his great moves (Go Home Driver, Moonsault, Swanton, Super Scoop Slam Driver, etc) He even teased a Package Powerbomb. Cena got to open up his move set too, and he sold like a real team player. The best part: Owens won clean. Yep, Cena jobbed clean to Kevin Owens. So far, this was the match of the year, and Owens shoot after the match made me stand up and cheer.

Neville vs Bo Dallas: This match was a little too short, and I was expecting more. Still, it was a solid bout between two NXT alum that I expect big things from in the future. Bo is getting better in the ring. His wrestling still doesn’t match up to his mic work, but it’s getting there. I BO-LIEVE in him.

IC Title Elim Chamber: This was not a good match, boring as hell. I was happy to see Mark Henry back (and he looks about 30 pounds lighter), but there were no good spots and Ryback winning was a let down. They also tried this dumb extended spot where Sheamus couldn’t get out of the pod, but he was faking all along. I spent most of this match making dick jokes with my friends and eating ice cream cake.

Rollins vs Ambrose: This was not only a great match, but it had a double swerve for an ending. Rollins and Ambrose have amazing chemistry together. I could watch them wrestle forever and be happy. Still, it was the ending that made this match. The ref gets knocked out (I forget by who, but I think it was Kane). Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds, another ref comes out, and Ambrose wins the belt! Woooo! No one thought that he’d take the belt, and he did. Another unpredictable ending for the EC!

But wait. The first ref wakes up and DQs Rollins for outside interference. Ambrose wins, but by DQ so the championship doesn’t change hands. Bullshit! What a terrible ending! Hashtag CancelWWE, etc.

But wait. Ambrose takes a beatdown, but Roman Reigns comes out and together they clean house. Ambrose takes the belt, and together they leave the arena with it. Rollins is still champ, but Ambrose has the belt. Let’s see how this plays out tonight.

To conclude, it was a great idea for the WWE to put The Elimination Chamber PPV exclusively on the Network. The Network was already worth it, but now it’s necessary. I want more.

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, 2014, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

cosmic-cat tripping balls redux

WrestleMania Picks and Predictions

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, 2014, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

Tonight’s the night, bright lights, blah blah blah, some other line, can’t remember the theme song…

WrestleMania is here, and I’m excited. I’m always excited, even though the build up has been pretty meh. Except for the awesome promos by Paul Heyman and Bray Wyatt, I haven’t been moved. Still, it’s the biggest night of the year for wrestling marks, and I mark like nobody’s business.

Before I give my picks, let me give my (wishful) predictions:

Rollins is going to cash in. Whether he takes the title or not, I don’t know.

Daniel Bryan is going to turn heel (thus preventing him from becoming another Cena). He will feud with either Ambrose or Ziggler, and I will explode with joy.

Wyatt and Taker will ratchet up the theatrics to create the creepiest match of the night. Expect Taker “rise from your graves” (Yay Altered Beast references) and Wyatt “crazy crabs from your grave.”

Rollins vs Orton will be the Match of the Night.

The tag team 4-way will be the Suck of the Night.

The IC and US titles will rise in prestige to the point where people will forget that the WWE belt only gets defended every three months.

The WWE Universe will complain and threaten to cancel the WWE Network.

Now for the picks…

Brock v Reigns: Brock
Tag Team fatal 4 way: Kidd and Cesaro – WWE
Orton v Rollins: Rollins IC Ladder Match: Ziggler
Taker v Wyatt: Taker
Cena v Rusev: Cena (lol cena wins)
Sting v HHH: Sting
Battle Royal: Hideo Itami
AJ/Paige v Bellas: AJ/Paige

Let’s see how it goes.

doge in space card redux

My Geekiness Runneth Over

Woot! D&D AND WWE’s TLC (and S) today and tonight!

Also, if you didn’t see NXT’s [R]Evolution last week, you missed the best ppv of the year. I don’t want to give anything away, but it started with Kevin Owens (Steen), climaxed with Neville and Sami Zayn, and ended with the best heel turn since Shawn Michaels kicked Marty Jannetty through a plate glass window.

I’ll leave you with this ear worm. OLE!

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

RVD Leaves WWE: Song Parody

Multiple sources are reporting that RVD’s match on Smackdown this week will be his last of the year. RVD only wrestles a few months out of the year, so this is no surprise. He’s basically there to enhance (i.e. job to) up-and-comers like Cesaro, like a level boss of sorts.

I love RVD, and I try to remember him as he was in ECW, when he was the whole fuckin’ show. He was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Even though he’s forty, He’s still got moves, but he’s not as good as he used to be. A hundred matches with Sabu will do that.

I won’t forget that botch 2 months ago where he got tangled in the side apron. It filled me with sad…and sadness.

Colorado and Washington…not that I keep track of these things…drugs are bad, m’kay

Note: I don’t know if RVD still smokes pot or not. He was suspended for pot in 2006. Considering WWE’s wellness policy, he probably doesn’t (while under contract)

So here’s a song I wrote for RVD’s farewell. Enjoy (it’s awful). And check out this Youtube video. It’s proof that RVD caused one of the most famous botches in WWE history.

Goodbye RVD (to the tune of Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”)

Goodbye RVD
Though I never knew you at all
you have the grace to five star splash
while those around you jobbed.
You did a lot of yoga
THC into your brain
They made you do homoerotic groin splits
and gave initials as your name.

(chorus)
And it seems to me, you lived your life
Like Humpty Dumpty on a Schwinn
Never knowing who to job to,
When the weed kicked in.
And I’m glad I got to watch you,
When you were just a kid,
Your ankle shattered long ago
Your legend never did.

Loneliness was tough
driving from town to town
Whether you played hardcore,
or new age stoner clown.
Even when you jobbed,
The websites hounded you
All the sites they had to say,
That RVD
Was leaving SmackDown soon.

(Chorus)

Goodbye RVD
From the mark in the 22nd row
Who saw you as the fuckin’ man
Not just the whole fuckin’ show.

(Chorus)

Doesn’t that bring a tear to your eye?

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

Predictions for SummerSlam 2014

Is it time for SummerSlam already? It feels like just yesterday, Daniel Bryan launched a Busaiku Knee Kick into John Cena’s face for the title. The subsequent screwjob led to one of the best written storylines in the Reality Era: The Yes Movement.

The Yes Movement was brilliant because it encouraged the Internet Wrestling Community to come together and “force” The Authority to give Bryan a shot. As if HHH wasn’t head over boots for Bryan in the first place. The IWC didn’t have any true impact (If HHH didn’t think Bryan would be a great champ, he would’ve buried him), but for a while, it felt like we did.

Can we get a One Man Rock Band movement for Heath Slater? Come on, IWC, make it happen!

With apologies to Al Snow, Barry Horowitz, and The Brooklyn Brawler

Anyway, here are my predictions for tonight’s SummerSlam:

RVD vs Cesaro: Cesaro has to win. They made him job all month. If he loses, he’s buried.

Brie vs Steph: I think this’ll be a better match than people expect. Steph is in very good shape these days, and Brie is an excellent performer, probably the second best on the roster behind AJ.

Bray vs Jericho: This is another do or die moment. Creative already squashed Bray’s momentum. If he loses, consider him buried. He has to not only win, but he has to do something horrid and disturbing to get his heat back.

Swagger vs Rusev: Swagger does not deserve to win.

AJ vs Paige: I expect a very good match from these two, with Paige hitting the Paige Turner (instead of the PTO) to keep the rivalry hot. They could conceivably feud till Survivor Series and I’d be happy.

The Miz vs Ziggler: I think this is the beginning of a good 3 month feud. Ziggler is a great worker, and he deserves the belt. Also, he used to bang Amy Schumer, which is pretty cool.

Orton vs Reigns: I think Orton will win with outside interference. I don’t feel like this feud is ready to end just yet, but a lot of that depends on whether Reigns can work for a full length singles match. I don’t think he’s done a 20 minute match yet.

Ambrose vs Rollins This will be the Match of the Night, and no matter the victor (I can’t decide) we all win. I think it’ll be one of those matches that elevates both wrestlers to the top, one that we’ll be talking about for years. At least I hope so.

Cena vs Lesnar: Cena is going to win by dq, but end up a broken and bloody mess. This is why: They can’t put the belt on Lesnar, because he only wrestles four times a year. Cena can’t beat Lesnar clean, because then Lesnar loses all his “Conquering the Streak” heat. The only logical way for this storyline to end is a huge, bloody beat down. It’ll satisfy the Cena-haters and it’ll keep the belt on Cena for the kids.