WrestleMania Picks and Predictions

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Tonight’s the night, bright lights, blah blah blah, some other line, can’t remember the theme song…

WrestleMania is here, and I’m excited. I’m always excited, even though the build up has been pretty meh. Except for the awesome promos by Paul Heyman and Bray Wyatt, I haven’t been moved. Still, it’s the biggest night of the year for wrestling marks, and I mark like nobody’s business.

Before I give my picks, let me give my (wishful) predictions:

Rollins is going to cash in. Whether he takes the title or not, I don’t know.

Daniel Bryan is going to turn heel (thus preventing him from becoming another Cena). He will feud with either Ambrose or Ziggler, and I will explode with joy.

Wyatt and Taker will ratchet up the theatrics to create the creepiest match of the night. Expect Taker “rise from your graves” (Yay Altered Beast references) and Wyatt “crazy crabs from your grave.”

Rollins vs Orton will be the Match of the Night.

The tag team 4-way will be the Suck of the Night.

The IC and US titles will rise in prestige to the point where people will forget that the WWE belt only gets defended every three months.

The WWE Universe will complain and threaten to cancel the WWE Network.

Now for the picks…

Brock v Reigns: Brock
Tag Team fatal 4 way: Kidd and Cesaro – WWE
Orton v Rollins: Rollins IC Ladder Match: Ziggler
Taker v Wyatt: Taker
Cena v Rusev: Cena (lol cena wins)
Sting v HHH: Sting
Battle Royal: Hideo Itami
AJ/Paige v Bellas: AJ/Paige

Let’s see how it goes.

doge in space card redux

Predictions for SummerSlam 2014

Is it time for SummerSlam already? It feels like just yesterday, Daniel Bryan launched a Busaiku Knee Kick into John Cena’s face for the title. The subsequent screwjob led to one of the best written storylines in the Reality Era: The Yes Movement.

The Yes Movement was brilliant because it encouraged the Internet Wrestling Community to come together and “force” The Authority to give Bryan a shot. As if HHH wasn’t head over boots for Bryan in the first place. The IWC didn’t have any true impact (If HHH didn’t think Bryan would be a great champ, he would’ve buried him), but for a while, it felt like we did.

Can we get a One Man Rock Band movement for Heath Slater? Come on, IWC, make it happen!

With apologies to Al Snow, Barry Horowitz, and The Brooklyn Brawler

Anyway, here are my predictions for tonight’s SummerSlam:

RVD vs Cesaro: Cesaro has to win. They made him job all month. If he loses, he’s buried.

Brie vs Steph: I think this’ll be a better match than people expect. Steph is in very good shape these days, and Brie is an excellent performer, probably the second best on the roster behind AJ.

Bray vs Jericho: This is another do or die moment. Creative already squashed Bray’s momentum. If he loses, consider him buried. He has to not only win, but he has to do something horrid and disturbing to get his heat back.

Swagger vs Rusev: Swagger does not deserve to win.

AJ vs Paige: I expect a very good match from these two, with Paige hitting the Paige Turner (instead of the PTO) to keep the rivalry hot. They could conceivably feud till Survivor Series and I’d be happy.

The Miz vs Ziggler: I think this is the beginning of a good 3 month feud. Ziggler is a great worker, and he deserves the belt. Also, he used to bang Amy Schumer, which is pretty cool.

Orton vs Reigns: I think Orton will win with outside interference. I don’t feel like this feud is ready to end just yet, but a lot of that depends on whether Reigns can work for a full length singles match. I don’t think he’s done a 20 minute match yet.

Ambrose vs Rollins This will be the Match of the Night, and no matter the victor (I can’t decide) we all win. I think it’ll be one of those matches that elevates both wrestlers to the top, one that we’ll be talking about for years. At least I hope so.

Cena vs Lesnar: Cena is going to win by dq, but end up a broken and bloody mess. This is why: They can’t put the belt on Lesnar, because he only wrestles four times a year. Cena can’t beat Lesnar clean, because then Lesnar loses all his “Conquering the Streak” heat. The only logical way for this storyline to end is a huge, bloody beat down. It’ll satisfy the Cena-haters and it’ll keep the belt on Cena for the kids.