It’s never good to wake up and hear that one of your favorite wrestlers has passed away. That’s what happened today. Joanie Laurer, better known as Chyna, died last night in California. The medical examiners don’t know the cause yet, so I won’t speculate. All I can really talk about here are my feelings.
A warning: This is another one of my pro wrestling posts. It’s not about wrestling per se, but rather the brilliant performers that sacrifice their health to entertain us. Even if you don’t like wrestling, you might still like this.
Carry on.
I’m still on a high from last night’s Elimination Chamber. Man, what a show. This was easily the best PPV of the year so far, and it wasn’t even a PPV.
If HHH’s plan is too make the WWE Network necessary for fans, he did it with one incredible event. Because it was only available on the Network, all of the people that usually get PPVs through cable missed out. When they hear from their friends about what they missed…let’s just say that the $9.99 a month is well worth it.
The match of the night was Cena/Owens, most of the matches were high level. Let’s start from the beginning:
Pre-show: Stardust vs Zach Ryder: It bothers me that Stardust (Cody Rhodes) is down to preshow matches, but I enjoyed this one nonetheless. Ryder looks great. He’s been training hard, looks bigger, and is moving well in the ring. Cody is always good, but I think his run as Stardust needs to end. He’s main event potential, but gimmick characters rarely get the big push.
Tag Team Elim Chamber: This one saw all sorts of craziness. We had all of The New Day–who have really grown on me–Calisto hanging from the ceiling, Torito hanging from the ceiling, Titus O’Neil’s head going through the chains, and top notch wrestling all around. Even the Ascension looked good. FEEL THE POWER OF THE NEW DAY!!!
Nikki Bella vs Paige vs Naomi: I expected the title to change hands here, and was disappointed that it didn’t. Naomi has all the heat right now, and she deserves a title run. Some of the moves were sloppy, but there were some great ones as well. Paige proved again that she’s the most talented diva on the roster. If only AJ was still around, the divas division could be fantastic. I can hardly wait until some of the NXT divas come up.
John Cena vs Kevin Owens: There’s nothing I can say that will do this match justice. HHH is all in on Owens, and it showed, because Cena didn’t try to bury him. Owens got a chance to bust out all of his great moves (Go Home Driver, Moonsault, Swanton, Super Scoop Slam Driver, etc) He even teased a Package Powerbomb. Cena got to open up his move set too, and he sold like a real team player. The best part: Owens won clean. Yep, Cena jobbed clean to Kevin Owens. So far, this was the match of the year, and Owens shoot after the match made me stand up and cheer.
Neville vs Bo Dallas: This match was a little too short, and I was expecting more. Still, it was a solid bout between two NXT alum that I expect big things from in the future. Bo is getting better in the ring. His wrestling still doesn’t match up to his mic work, but it’s getting there. I BO-LIEVE in him.
IC Title Elim Chamber: This was not a good match, boring as hell. I was happy to see Mark Henry back (and he looks about 30 pounds lighter), but there were no good spots and Ryback winning was a let down. They also tried this dumb extended spot where Sheamus couldn’t get out of the pod, but he was faking all along. I spent most of this match making dick jokes with my friends and eating ice cream cake.
Rollins vs Ambrose: This was not only a great match, but it had a double swerve for an ending. Rollins and Ambrose have amazing chemistry together. I could watch them wrestle forever and be happy. Still, it was the ending that made this match. The ref gets knocked out (I forget by who, but I think it was Kane). Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds, another ref comes out, and Ambrose wins the belt! Woooo! No one thought that he’d take the belt, and he did. Another unpredictable ending for the EC!
But wait. The first ref wakes up and DQs Rollins for outside interference. Ambrose wins, but by DQ so the championship doesn’t change hands. Bullshit! What a terrible ending! Hashtag CancelWWE, etc.
But wait. Ambrose takes a beatdown, but Roman Reigns comes out and together they clean house. Ambrose takes the belt, and together they leave the arena with it. Rollins is still champ, but Ambrose has the belt. Let’s see how this plays out tonight.
To conclude, it was a great idea for the WWE to put The Elimination Chamber PPV exclusively on the Network. The Network was already worth it, but now it’s necessary. I want more.
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, 2014, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, 2014, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
Tonight’s the night, bright lights, blah blah blah, some other line, can’t remember the theme song…
WrestleMania is here, and I’m excited. I’m always excited, even though the build up has been pretty meh. Except for the awesome promos by Paul Heyman and Bray Wyatt, I haven’t been moved. Still, it’s the biggest night of the year for wrestling marks, and I mark like nobody’s business.
Before I give my picks, let me give my (wishful) predictions:
Rollins is going to cash in. Whether he takes the title or not, I don’t know.
Daniel Bryan is going to turn heel (thus preventing him from becoming another Cena). He will feud with either Ambrose or Ziggler, and I will explode with joy.
Wyatt and Taker will ratchet up the theatrics to create the creepiest match of the night. Expect Taker “rise from your graves” (Yay Altered Beast references) and Wyatt “crazy crabs from your grave.”
Rollins vs Orton will be the Match of the Night.
The tag team 4-way will be the Suck of the Night.
The IC and US titles will rise in prestige to the point where people will forget that the WWE belt only gets defended every three months.
The WWE Universe will complain and threaten to cancel the WWE Network.
Now for the picks…
Brock v Reigns: Brock
Tag Team fatal 4 way: Kidd and Cesaro – WWE
Orton v Rollins: Rollins IC Ladder Match: Ziggler
Taker v Wyatt: Taker
Cena v Rusev: Cena (lol cena wins)
Sting v HHH: Sting
Battle Royal: Hideo Itami
AJ/Paige v Bellas: AJ/Paige
Let’s see how it goes.
CM Punk is going to write Thor Annual #1 for Marvel, and I’m about to leap out of my chair with joy. My geek worlds are colliding in this explosion of Awesomeness. Now if only he finds a way to work D&D into the storyline (Thor: Volstagg, thou must save versus Will. Thy DC is 16).
Check out his interview at Marvel.com for more information.
This is the bees knees, the tops, jolly good, and other olde timey phrases. After Punk quit the WWE, I wondered what he was going to do next. Would he come back to the WWE or maybe Ring of Honor? Would he marry his girlfriend, wrestler AJ Lee? (he did). Would he go on tour with Rancid (Valerie would’ve smiled down from heaven for that). I knew that he was a comicbook fan (He once worked at a comic shop, and “it’s clobbin’ time” has been one of his catch phrases for a long time). He’s also a very intelligent, creative person, which you can see in his promos and interviews. Despite that, it never occurred to me that he might write a comic, let alone a Marvel icon.
Apparently it’s been something he’s wanted to do for years. He’s been studying scripts and the Marvel Method. Putting on tights and performing stuntman fights in front of 30k people a night has got to be great preparation for the world of comics.
Tell it again…
Thor is going through a lot of changes right now. Last month he lost his arm in a fight with Malekith, and an unnamed (so far) woman now wields Mjolnir. It’ll be interesting to see where CM Punk goes with it. “Best in the world?” We’ll find out soon.
Damn, he still looks badass.
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
MAH GAWD! MAH GAWD KING! HE’S STOMPIN’ A MUDHOLE IN ‘EM AND WALKIN’ IT DRY!!!
This is fantastic news and might get me watching MMA again. Jim Ross–Good ole JR–the greatest commentator the WWE ever had, is going to be announcing at the Battlegrounds PPV on October 3rd. Even better, his co-commentator is Chael Sonnen.
Can you imagine what these two are gonna spout to each other. It’ll be gold, Jerry. Gold! I hope we get some of this:
I miss JR. Could you imagine him covering WrestleMania XXX, where Brrrrrrrrrock Lesnar beat The Undertaker? How about Daniel Bryan getting screwed repeatedly by HHH and Steph? If only. JBL is a great commentator (in his own way), but he’s no JR.
JR left the WWE last year, after the infamous WWE2K14 incident. You’ve heard about this, right? Ross and Ric Flair (Woo!) were at the event. Flair was drunk as a drunken skunk, and JR let Flair go on the mic, even after Flair’s promo shit the proverbial bed. It was a catastrafuck, and JR got the axe.
Jack Daniels is finger lickin’ good
Incidentally, Flair still does WWE events, and he’s still drunk.
From MMA News:
Ross and Sonnen will handle the play-by-play duties for the event, which features Ryan Couture (8-3), son of UFC legend Randy Couture, challenging Jonny “King of Late Night” Carson (11-6) in the main event.
Also scheduled for the event is an exciting eight-man tournament in the Welterweight division, one that is filled with former UFC and Strikeforce veterans. The tourney consists of Dennis Hallman (53-15-2), Brock Larson (37-8), Roan Carneiro (17-9), Luigi Fioravanti (24-11), Cody McKenzie (15-4), David Mitchell (14-4), Trey Houston (10-2) and Chris Honeycutt (4-0).
I’m not in it for the fights. I’m in it to hear Jim Ross on the mic again. There should be a drinking game involved for all of his catchphrases. Hmmm…I’ll get to work on that
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!</p>
Multiple sources are reporting that RVD’s match on Smackdown this week will be his last of the year. RVD only wrestles a few months out of the year, so this is no surprise. He’s basically there to enhance (i.e. job to) up-and-comers like Cesaro, like a level boss of sorts.
I love RVD, and I try to remember him as he was in ECW, when he was the whole fuckin’ show. He was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Even though he’s forty, He’s still got moves, but he’s not as good as he used to be. A hundred matches with Sabu will do that.
I won’t forget that botch 2 months ago where he got tangled in the side apron. It filled me with sad…and sadness.
Colorado and Washington…not that I keep track of these things…drugs are bad, m’kay
Note: I don’t know if RVD still smokes pot or not. He was suspended for pot in 2006. Considering WWE’s wellness policy, he probably doesn’t (while under contract)
So here’s a song I wrote for RVD’s farewell. Enjoy (it’s awful). And check out this Youtube video. It’s proof that RVD caused one of the most famous botches in WWE history.
Goodbye RVD (to the tune of Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”)
Goodbye RVD
Though I never knew you at all
you have the grace to five star splash
while those around you jobbed.
You did a lot of yoga
THC into your brain
They made you do homoerotic groin splits
and gave initials as your name.
(chorus)
And it seems to me, you lived your life
Like Humpty Dumpty on a Schwinn
Never knowing who to job to,
When the weed kicked in.
And I’m glad I got to watch you,
When you were just a kid,
Your ankle shattered long ago
Your legend never did.
Loneliness was tough
driving from town to town
Whether you played hardcore,
or new age stoner clown.
Even when you jobbed,
The websites hounded you
All the sites they had to say,
That RVD
Was leaving SmackDown soon.
(Chorus)
Goodbye RVD
From the mark in the 22nd row
Who saw you as the fuckin’ man
Not just the whole fuckin’ show.
(Chorus)
Doesn’t that bring a tear to your eye?
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
Is it time for SummerSlam already? It feels like just yesterday, Daniel Bryan launched a Busaiku Knee Kick into John Cena’s face for the title. The subsequent screwjob led to one of the best written storylines in the Reality Era: The Yes Movement.
The Yes Movement was brilliant because it encouraged the Internet Wrestling Community to come together and “force” The Authority to give Bryan a shot. As if HHH wasn’t head over boots for Bryan in the first place. The IWC didn’t have any true impact (If HHH didn’t think Bryan would be a great champ, he would’ve buried him), but for a while, it felt like we did.
Can we get a One Man Rock Band movement for Heath Slater? Come on, IWC, make it happen!
With apologies to Al Snow, Barry Horowitz, and The Brooklyn Brawler
Anyway, here are my predictions for tonight’s SummerSlam:
RVD vs Cesaro: Cesaro has to win. They made him job all month. If he loses, he’s buried.
Brie vs Steph: I think this’ll be a better match than people expect. Steph is in very good shape these days, and Brie is an excellent performer, probably the second best on the roster behind AJ.
Bray vs Jericho: This is another do or die moment. Creative already squashed Bray’s momentum. If he loses, consider him buried. He has to not only win, but he has to do something horrid and disturbing to get his heat back.
Swagger vs Rusev: Swagger does not deserve to win.
AJ vs Paige: I expect a very good match from these two, with Paige hitting the Paige Turner (instead of the PTO) to keep the rivalry hot. They could conceivably feud till Survivor Series and I’d be happy.
The Miz vs Ziggler: I think this is the beginning of a good 3 month feud. Ziggler is a great worker, and he deserves the belt. Also, he used to bang Amy Schumer, which is pretty cool.
Orton vs Reigns: I think Orton will win with outside interference. I don’t feel like this feud is ready to end just yet, but a lot of that depends on whether Reigns can work for a full length singles match. I don’t think he’s done a 20 minute match yet.
Ambrose vs Rollins This will be the Match of the Night, and no matter the victor (I can’t decide) we all win. I think it’ll be one of those matches that elevates both wrestlers to the top, one that we’ll be talking about for years. At least I hope so.
Cena vs Lesnar: Cena is going to win by dq, but end up a broken and bloody mess. This is why: They can’t put the belt on Lesnar, because he only wrestles four times a year. Cena can’t beat Lesnar clean, because then Lesnar loses all his “Conquering the Streak” heat. The only logical way for this storyline to end is a huge, bloody beat down. It’ll satisfy the Cena-haters and it’ll keep the belt on Cena for the kids.
I’m still stunned by what happened last night. The matches are still going through my mind, and I’m wondering “How? What the holy hand grenade fuck?”
If you haven’t heard by now, Brock Lesnar defeated The Undertaker, after a slow paced match that was really painful to watch. Now reports are coming in that Taker had his bell rung early in the match, and had to be taken to the hospital afterwards with a head injury. That explains why he didn’t use several of his aerial moves, such as the tightrope walk and the suicide dive. In hindsight, he looked dazed through most of the match, and afterwards as well. Did a Brock botch end the greatest streak in sports entertainment?
If this was planned (and I think it was) they messed up in a big way. I’m not against ending the streak. Ending the streak would be one of the most epic moments in wrestling. What I’m angry about is that he jobbed to Lesnar. Brock Lesnar is a part-time wrestler. He doesn’t deserve the honor of ending the streak. Any full-timer would’ve been a better choice. Heath fucking Slater would’ve been a better choice (I do love me some Heath Slater).
On the other hand, the WWE just made Lesnar the most feared opponent in the ring. He’s the new legend killer. He’s the monster at the end of this book (sorry Grover). He’s Galactus. He’s Darkseid. He’s Apocalypse. Now, whenever they need someone to face the metaphorical dragon, they bring in Brock.
What they did was sacrifice this WrestleMania (which I don’t think they meant to do) for future storytelling. In that way, it was a great move. This was the first time in a long time that I was truly shocked by an outcome. Now nothing is sacred, anything can happen. Holy fuck, the WWE just beheaded Ned Stark!
What they did wrong had to do with the timing. They set the match after a terrible bout between Cena and Bray Wyatt, that sucked the energy out of the crowd (man, did it suck). The Taker/Brock match was also very slow, perhaps due to the now-revealed head injury. They must’ve known how the crowd would react. The crowd never regained interest, now even for a very good main event between Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, and Boo-tista. If they had made the match earlier in the show, perhaps before the battle royal, the crowd would’ve recovered by the main event.
Let’s talk about that main event for a minute. First of all, Bryan gets the match of the night for throwing down with HHH. Trips still got it, he even busted out a Tiger Suplex! I’ve never seen him use that move before. He also took 3 German suplexes in a row, a notoriously hard move to take. Even though I knew Bryan would win, I still marked out.
I was still in mourning for The Streak when the main event came on. Slowly, I got back into it, if only for the quality of the match. Of course, we had a Trips and Steph run in, but they handled it pretty well. Steph even took a bump from a suicide dive.
Orton tapped out. Good to see Bryan go over clean.
Bryan’s victory was the culmination of a long, well done, story arc. They “buried” him so hard, that fans actually took to the internet to demand his victory. The writers made it look like the fans “won,” even though I’m sure that this was the intended ending anyway. It was a swerve inside a swerve, giving a push but making it look like a burial, giving the fans false power and then “bending to their wishes.” They knew what was best for business all along, and it was Daniel Bryan.
But it was too close to the Taker/Lesnar match. They blew the timing, and therefore blew the whole show.
So was this the worst WrestleMania? No, but it was the biggest disappointment. There was so much potential there, and they just booked it wrong. It just goes to show that in a live show, anything can happen, and it’s not always good.
I wanted to post about this yesterday, but I posted about Val’s anthology instead.
Damn, that was a good RAW this week! They really cranked it up, not a surprise since they were in Chicago, Ground Zero for the CM Punk chants. There was only one way to keep those chants down, and that’s by blowing them away with a great show.
Let’s start with Paul Heyman’s promo. I go back a long way with Paul, as I was a big ECW fan back in the 90s. He is just about the best promo guy the WWE has right now, and he tore the crowd apart. First, he teases a Punk return, and pulls the rug out from under the crowd. Then he turns it back on the audience, seamlessly moving into a promo from Brock/Taker. Just like that, he infuriates the crowd, gives Punk heel heat, and sets up motivation for the WM battle. Not that I needed any. Taker/Brock is sure to be a great match. They can both go all out, since they only wrestle once a year.
They actually let Brock talk. More surprising, he was good. When he shouted his name the way Heyman does, it was a bit intimidating. F5ing a 400 pound man into a table is always intimidating too. Poor Mark Henry, back to jobbing.
Bam! Right into The Usos/NAO. I’ve been waiting a long time for the Usos to get the belt, and I wasn’t disappointed. great match, satisfying victory.
The Big E/ Real Americans stuff I could do without. It was only in there to show character development between Swags and Cesaro. The Giant Swing was cool though.
If The Shield and Wyatts keep putting on 5 star matches in the middle of the show, the second half is going to be a let down. I can’t get enough of these guys. Tonight was Seth Rollins’ turn to show off. He doesn’t get much spotlight behind Reigns and Ambrose, but man, what an agile dude. Suicide dives over the top rope. That’s some crazy luchador stuff right there. I also like that he walked out on his team. It made perfect sense to me (“you sort it out”). If they are gonna leave him high and dry (as they did) so can he. They deserved the constant “this is awesome” chant.
And how good has Roman Reigns gotten in the past year? He went from being an athletic big guy with little ring skill to a breakout star. His in ring ability rivals his partners at this point, not to mention that he has a look that’ll get you pregnant faster than an Old Spice commercial.
Ah Emma, Emma, Emma. I love you so much. Not only were you trained by Lance Storm, but your finisher is The Muta Lock, one of my all time favs. When Diva wrestling is good, it’s really good. Of course, when it’s bad, it’s time for a bathroom break.
Speaking of bathroom breaks, Seamus/Christian was bad enough to get a “this is awful” chant. It was, it really was. Somewhere, the Captain lost his Charisma.
I can’t even comment of the Bellas/Aksana & Fox. Disappointing. I expect more from the Bellas.
The Bryan promo was excellent, though I could’ve done without the misogyny involved in the “why don’t you put on your wife’s skirt” line. It’s a minor offense in the promo, but come on man.
I loved that they bookened the last hour with Bryan. If you don’t want Punk chants, get them to scream YES!
Ziggles and Del Rio didn’t do much for me. Del Rio is the modern day Steve Blackman: A talented wrestler with MMA history, with no charisma at all. Ziggles is going to be big, but not for a few years. Aaron Paul was unnecessary, and kind of a distraction. I lament that he went from a great show like Breaking Bad to this cheesy Need For Speed crap.
Paul Bearer in the Hall of Fame makes me happy. Dare we see emotion from Taker during the induction? Probably not, but I bet Kane and Foley will cry.
Rusev reminds me of Taz or Rhyno. Those are good things to be.
Even Daniel Bryan couldn’t save his match with Batista. Lord knows he tried, but Batista is so bad, so very bad. It was still decent, but not on the level I expect from D-Bry.
Stephanie did kinda save it with the YES chant at the end. She is so good at being a corporate asshole.
All in all, it was a very entertaining RAW. I would’ve liked to see the Rhodes in there somewhere, but nothing’s perfect.
As an aside, they have to change the main event for WM. No one wants to see two heels fight for the championship, especially when one has limited ring skills, and they both have mediocre promo skills. I’d fix it next week by having Mr. McMahon come out and put Bryan in as a triple threat. The crowd needs somebody to cheer for.
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