Category Archives: Humor

Ridiculously Clever Jokes

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SoS Practice Ad 2

Hmmm… It was recommended to me that I should narrow my focus if I want to promote better. Maybe I should narrow my focus on awful jokes.

These are awful, but really clever. No shame if you don’t understand all of them.

Here’s a sample:

“Who is this Rorschach guy, and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?”

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

Yeah, it’s that kind of stuff.

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guinea pig card

Shameless Plug

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Is this too much?

So yeah, buy my book (Song of Simon, which kicks a lot of ass)

If you want a FREE taste of how awesome my stories are, check out “The Watchmage of Old New York” at JukePop Serials.  It just spent another week at #2 in popularity, with well over 3000 endorsements.  It’s also included in the new JukePop Anthology of the best of the site.

Have a great weekend, I love you all.
C.A.

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Gay Action Figure Theater (NSFW)

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As I’ve mentioned here before (I think), Valerie used to collect action figures.  Sometimes she would pose them in naughty positions, but hey, who didn’t?  I inherited her action figures, and as a tribute to her, they are all making sweet sweet love down by the metaphorical fire.

She also made this incredible youtube series using her action figures called “Gay Action Figure Theater.”  It’s stars Buffy, Rogue, My Chemical Romance, Pete Wentz, Batman, and Oscar Wilde, among others.  Not only is it brilliantly witty and charming, it does a pretty good job of capturing who Valerie was (especially the rant at the end of part 2).

I love this so much and I wanted to share it with you.  Feel free to share it with the ones you love too.  And hug them, don’t forget to hug them.

 

My First Attempt at Stand Up Comedy

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Last year, me and Val took a class on humor writing at the Hudson Valley Writer’s Center.  I had no intention of ever doing stand up (I would literally pee myself on stage, which would actually be hilarious and probably make me a star.) but one of the assignments was to write a comedy routine.

So I did it, and I thought nothing of it until I found my notebook from the class.  I thought “what the hell, I’ve got nothing else to write about today, let me humiliate myself online with my hack comedy.  Waka waka, muthafukka!”

Put some pants on, goddammit!!

So the world is going to shit, but I’ve got the cure for it . . . Cannibalism.  What better way to solve the hunger problem than to eat the fat bastards that are causing it?

The average American could feed a villiage.  Me?  I can feed a city.

You know where that would go over great?  New York.  It doesn’t matter what kind of meat it is, if you sell it from a cart, we’ll eat it.

Seriously, I think that “schwarma” is Arab for “subway rat.”

I’m from NYC, and I love it.  It’s the only place where you know your neighborhood by the unique scent of its homeless pee.

*sniff* ahh, that’s “Rusty Shiv Tony,”  I must be in Fort Greene.

New Yorkers have a reputation for being rude.  We’re not rude, you’re in the way.

I’m a pretty nice guy, but if you stop in front of me to look at the pretty buildings, I will dropkick your ass into oncoming traffic

I hate reality TV.  I get all the reality I need from realy life.

I never even knew what a kardashian was until last year.  Now my penis runs their fan club

It has a “Kourtney and Scott 4eva” tatoo down the shaft.

I used to love Survivor, but they need to up the tension.  How about a special “Hunger Games” edition?

The winner gets to eat the loser.  Cannibalism wins again!!

So yeah, that happened.  I also wrote a short story for the class called “The Kid and the Casserole,” but I am having a lot of trouble selling it.  And let’s face it, a story doesn’t exist until an editor arbitrarily chooses it and pays you nothing for it.

Remember, you can check out some of my short stories and articles right here.  Make it so.

Picard using Prof X’s telepathy

 

“I Lost My Underwear” and Other Gems

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I decided that I will go back to keeping a journal with me to write down my random thoughts.  I have done this in the past and it helped me come up with all sorts of writing ideas.  Mostly it is crap, but there are a few gems in there.  I thought that I might share some of my favorites with you.

  • 3:50 pm — I like Chock Full of Nuts.  My roommate likes Folgers.  Now we must Kung Fu fight.
  • 3:55 pm — Bacon has been co-opted by hipsters.  How can you like pig meat and Whole Foods at the same time?
  • 9AM — I am eating slices of corned beef for breakfast and nothing else.  I am such a healthy dude.
  • 2:30 — I walked into the gas station and lost my underwear.  I wore an old pair with the elastic stretched out.  With each step, i felt the fabric inching downward.  By the time I got back home, it was hanging from the crotch of my shorts for dear life.  Have you ever had a conversation while losing your pants . . . I mean, without alcohol?
  • 1PM — I really need to get some work done.  Stupid internet.
  • 9:30 AM — I had a dream last night where Taco Bell banned me from sitting in one of their seats.  There are some dreams that only fat people have.
  • 6PM — That first bite of pizza melted my face like the Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • and from today, 6PM — Feeling lazy.  have to pee.  Considering pissing myself.

Not a Blue Christmas, a Jew Christmas! (Top 5 Awesome Things About Jewish Christmas)

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I haven’t updated in a while, because I have been so stunned by the massacre in Sandy Hook (about an hour’s drive from here) that I have been afraid that if I posted, it would just turn into a massive butt ripping of the NRA and their culture of stonewalling gun regulation laws while mass shootings increase (Aurora happened only 6 months ago).

I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about Jewish Christmas (no, not Hannukah).

My family usually could not get together for Hannukah.  Everyone had to work or go to school, and to tell the truth, Hannukah isn’t that important a holiday.  But we always got together for Christmas.

Jewish Christmas!!!

We did what the goyim did, exchanged our Hannukah presents, got drunk, you know, the important stuff.  It’s a cliche, but we ordered Chinese food, and it was always extra delicious.  In fact, I am thinking of ordering Chinese food right now.

It always seemed strange that the Christians effectively got to tell us when and where we could celebrate our holiday, but it’s a small price to pay considering that 70 years ago we were almost exterminated.  I should be grateful that I’m not getting Zyklon-B in my stocking.

That’s in bad taste.  I apologize in advance.

But anyway, I will now bless you with my Top Five Favorite Things About Jewish Christmas

  • 5. Chinese Food — Like I mentioned above, chinese food is extra delicious on Christmas.  But it’s also the company.  Usually, when I eat chinese, I am sitting in my underwear and watching the Jets lose.  It’s nice to sit around the table with my family and pass around the dishes, family style.  As long as I get an egg roll.
  • 4. Booze — My parents were never fond of me drinking(my mom didn’t drink, and my dad does rarely), but on holidays, I get a pass.  My aunt always had a couple of bottles of wine at her house, and I got to be drunk in front of Gramma.
  • 3. Obscure Christmas Music — popular Christmas music is boring, but there are some great Christmas songs out there.  Like this one.

and this one:

  • 2. The End of Christmas Music — By the time it’s Christmas, I’m done.  No more Noels, no more Silent Nights.

and the number 1 reason . . .

  • 1. My Family — Sometimes I can’t stand them, but now that I am losing them, I miss and appreciate them more.  I wish I had the chance to spend 20 more Jewish Christmases with my Mom.  Merry Jewish Christmas in Heaven, Mom.  I miss you so much.

Merry Christmas, my goyish friends!!!

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Barbershops and Boobies

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I went to get a haircut today, as I was starting to look like a sheepdog.  The woman that cut my hair was very nice and very pretty.  As she was cutting my hair, I became intensely aware of how intimate the barber/barbee relationship really is.

The barber is not only right in your face, she is on it.  How many people do you allow to touch your head, not to mention that she has sharp scissors while doing so.  This woman was running her fingers through my hair, pushing my head up and down . . . who the hell does that?

Perhaps the most awkward part is that for at least half of the haircut, the barber’s breasts are right in your face.  I–as I’m sure you can tell–am a gentleman, and I do my best to look away, lest the kind lady think that I am some leering pervert.  But it’s hard, people.  It’s hard (no pun intended).

I don’t think that women truly understand the power that breasts have over us men.  There is a small gap of influence–from age 2 to age 11 or so–where breasts have no effect on us.  For the rest of our lives, they are the Sun that our world orbits around.  They either mean food, or they mean sex.  As many a hack comedian will tell you, all men need to survive is food and sex.  That’s all we want.  to tell the truth, it’s pretty damn accurate.

Of course I like other things.  I like writing, I like sports.  I like the comforter when it’s fresh from the dryer.  I like chinese buffets.  But none of these things have such a grip on me as food and sex.

I don’t think that this makes me misogynistic, I certainly have never seen myself as so.  It’s just a fact of life, and this is why I avoid getting haircuts.

Also, I have beautiful hair.