I drink a lot of coffee, more than I even realized. I usually have about 40 to 60 oz of coffee a day, and I’ve been know to have far more. I never even realized how much coffee I was drinking until my nutritionist had me counting off.

40 to 60 is a lot. I was drinking more coffee than regular liquids…So here’s where the story begins.

For the past couple of weeks, maybe even months, I’ve had a glittering fog over my head. I can’t focus, and I’m thinking a hundred and forty-seven thoughts at once. My productivity has dropped down to maybe 500 words and a high five per day. Sometimes I don’t even get the 500 words. Sometimes I get negative words. I always get the high five.

My nutritionist has been on me for a while about replacing some of my coffee with non-caffeinated fluids. She says that caffeine is a diuretic, and without enough fluid to compensate, I will be dehydrated (which leads to a bunch of other problems, including weight gain). I said that I would cut back, but I never did…cause I’m an ass.

When I went to my psych doc about the lack of focus and a potential medical fix like Stratera, she asked me “what’s your coping mechanism for the lack of focus? (because that’s what they always ask)”

“Coffee.”

“Coffee?”

“Coffee.”

I explained that it gives me a focus boost for a short amount of time, so I have to keep drinking it to keep the boost up. When I mentioned that my nutritionist thought I drank too much, my doc went with me through the side effects, dehydration and anxiety the most important in this case. They both cause scattered thoughts.

Irony as bitter as…well…you know.

So my coffee, which focuses my thoughts into a blazing laser blazer beam, is also firing that beam into a broken mirror. Fantastic. Super duper.

I’m trying to wean myself down to 4-5 cups a day this month, and I’m upping my water intake to 64 oz. We’ll see if it helps. Because damn it, I miss my mind, and if my mind is crawling through the desert, it’s never gonna come home until it finds a river.

Come back, Brain, come back!