And now to completely ruin your day…and possibly baked goods.
It kinda reminds me of Hedonism Bot from Futurama.
Anyway, just wanted to share.
Click here to by The Watchmage of Old New York. You won’t regret it…well…you might, but probably not.
I’ve had a headache since last night. I’m pretty sure it’s not a tumor, so you don’t need to start with the Kindergarten Cop jokes (I would’ve gone there too).
This is how I feel:
So if you see me, make sure you’re not in a bag. BTW, I love how that tan and white cat doesn’t care. Cats, man…freakin’ cats.
That’s all I wanted to say. Have a great weekend 🙂
Hey everyone. I write a lot on here about my late fiance, Valerie. As some of you know, she passed away 3 years ago last month. I’m not going to talk about that today. I’m going to talk about Katie.
For the past 9 months, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman that I love very much. I never thought that I would fall in love again, but holy crap, I did.
I’m not much of a poet, but I took a shot at writing a poem for her for Valentine’s Day (spoiler: she liked it).
To break up the melodramatic crap, I’m adding dogs telling terrible jokes. Enjoy.
Like many of my fellow weirdos, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Whether it’s watching horror/comedies (the best horror movie genre), going to a party with a homemade costume (my “Missing Link” costume–Link from Legend of Zelda with a ‘have you seen me? sign on my chest– kicked ass this year), or reliving my teenage years at a showing of Rocky Horror, I love it all. But there’s something else I love, something that is so connected to Halloween, but somehow reviled by many halloweeners (halloweenies?)
Candy Corn.
I found this article on Deadspin today, and it made me so very, very sad. People don’t appreciate Candy Corn the way that I do, how it’s subtle flavors and intricate colors reflect the changing of the season, our slide from the joys of summer to the bitter chill of winter. Or something like that…
Deadspin isn’t the first to come out against the corn-shaped deliciousness. One of my favorite comedy routines is of Lewis Black railing against Candy Corn. That doesn’t bother me, because Black hates everything.
I don’t care, I love the stuff. I love how you can’t define what it tastes like–it’s sweet, but not too sweet…is that fruit flavor? no. Is it corn flavor? No. It kinda tastes like honey, but not really. What the hell is it?
And why is it waxy? Is food supposed to feel like wax? Nothing that feels like that could possibly be healthy…WHAT ARE YOU, CANDY CORN!?
When I was young, people (usually very old people) would actually give Candy Corn to trick or treaters. Most of my friends were disappointed when they heard the corn syrup and wax abomination clang inside their plastic pumpkin basket, but not I. Instead, I thought “at least they’re not Tootsie Rolls…”
That’s what makes Candy Corn so quintessentially Halloweenie (I settled on halloweenie…yes, i have the sense of humor or a 12 year old). It’s the mystery (what is it), the suspense (will this be awful), and the horror (oh my god, am I gonna die), of it. Candy Corn is the great unknown, the confectionery beast under your bed, waiting to tear your apart with it’s orange, yellow, and white fangs. Just like the approaching winter, Candy Corn is waiting for you, it’s coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Embrace it. EMBRACE THE CANDY CORN! EAT IT! I SWEAR IT DOESN’T SUCK!!!
(you can also press them into your teeth like tasty fangs. Try it, it’s fun)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!
If you like fantasy, history, and some pretty extreme weirdness in your fiction, click the graphic below to buy The Watchmage of Old New York on Amazon. It’s flippin awesome. 4.8 stars on Amazon so far (23 reviews)!
Buy The Watchmage of Old New York at Amazon or a ton of other sites (like barnes and noble, iBooks, etc)
Sometimes, coffee (or as I say, cawfee) isn’t enough. You need your coffee with a shot of Funny.
Consider me your barista of the blog. Yes, I know it’s click bait, but it’s funny. In the morning, we need to laugh…or go back to bed.
I hate when I get up before my alarm. I feel like I’ve cheated myself, so I lie in bed until the buzzer rings. Stupid internal clock.
How convenient would this be? Just jam it into your arm and work. You’ll also save on sugar and creamer.
We’ve all been there…not prison…just wanting to murder someone that talks to you too early.
No words can describe the level of awesomeness. I want this mug.
…I’ve come to sip with you again…
I think that if Gollum had enough coffee, he could’ve resisted the pull of the One Ring. It’d have to be strong coffee, but still…
Business cat needs to do business things meow.
Oh, you thought Doge wouldn’t appear on one of my meme posts. Wow. Much mislead. So unknow.
I take potato chips seriously, and I love the Lays chips contest. As a true connoisseur of chipdom, I tried each of the new flavors: New York Reuben, Southern Biscuits and Gravy, Greektown Gyro, and California Wavy Truffle Fries. I judges each one based on taste and originality on a scale from 1 to 10. This is serious science, folks, I swear.
Here are my results:
California Wavy Truffle Fries: I’ve had this flavor before. It’s called “Sour Cream and Chives.” Were the waves supposed to make it unique? It failed.
The taste was pretty good, but it was nothing I haven’t had before.
Taste: 7
Originality: 2
Average: 4.5
Southern Biscuits and Gravy: This is a very good flavor. It actually tastes like biscuits and gravy, and delivering on a promise is a good thing. There’s no chip like it out there.
Taste: 7
Originality: 8
Average: 7.5
Greektown Gyro: No…just…no. I’ll give it props for being different, but the gyro taste is faint, and what you can taste is awful. I love gyros, and this chip makes me very sad.
Taste: 1
Originality: 7
Average: 4
New York Reuben: By far the best chip. You taste the meat, the sauerkraut, and all the little things that make Reubens so amazing. There’s no chip like it, the only close one being bbq, and that’s still miles away. This goes up there with the Sriracha and the Bacon Cheesy Mac chip.
Taste: 9
Originality: 9
Average: 9
Winner: New York Reuben!!!!
Of course, this is still the best flavor. It’s a real people pleaser.
Ok, I swear that I’m going to start adding more source material on NYC History today. I already have something on 19th century slang written (my own notes for Watchmage). I just have to rearrange it for consumption. Right now it’s in a form that only I can understand.
I should organize my files better. One day I’m going to be dead, and people are going to need to find my important files…
Inner Critic: Wow, Craig, that’s freaking morbid.
Neuroses: Yeah, people are gonna think you’re all emo and shit. A 38 year old emo. Good job.
Muse: “Whateva, whateva, I do what I want.”
Brain: Will someone make another pot of coffee…PLEASE?
Anyway, I have to do some more editing, but hopefully I’ll get it up soon…
Id: Hehehehe, you said “get it up.”
Sex Drive: You rang?
Neuroses: You’re ruining your blog with dick jokes!
Id: “Moar dick jokes, moar gooder.”
Neuroses: Now you’re just making obscure references.
Id: “I resemble that remark…”
Neuroses: SEE!!!
Brain: If you get me some damn coffee, I’ll be more original!!!
Stomach: *growls*
Brain: “Quiet, you!”
Neuroses: ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN REFERENCES!!
silence….
Id: “Fatality…Neuroses, wins.”
Brain: *sigh*
Now you’ve seen what goes on in my head. Take that, Disney!
Neuroses: You haven’t even seen the movie, and you’re doing a parody.
Brain: It’s ok, I used to watch Herman’s Head.
To be fair, I heard that Inside Out is very good.
This post really went off the rails.
Brain: This wouldn’t happen if YOU GOT ME SOME GODDAMMED COFFEE!!!
Fin
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, 2014, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
I was messing around with pics and designs for new business cards that reflect my personality. I’ve narrowed it down to two, and I’d love to hear what the Internet thinks of them.
Option One:
Option Two:
I also made a Crying Benoit one, but I think we’ll leave that one out of it.
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (you’ll probably have to order it). Of course, you can always buy an autographed one from me, just send me a message. Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so people seem to like it. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
Between building a “power point display” using an easel and printed out images, and panicking about the upcoming workshop, I decided to do this.
I’d love to turn this into promo cards, but it might be too trippy. What say you, Internet?
Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (you’ll probably have to order it). Of course, you can always buy an autographed one from me, just send me a message. Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so people seem to like it. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!
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