Tag Archives: humor

Candy Corn Is Halloween Incarnate

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guinea pig card

Like many of my fellow weirdos, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Whether it’s watching horror/comedies (the best horror movie genre), going to a party with a homemade costume (my “Missing Link” costume–Link from Legend of Zelda with a ‘have you seen me? sign on my chest– kicked ass this year), or reliving my teenage years at a showing of Rocky Horror, I love it all. But there’s something else I love, something that is so connected to Halloween, but somehow reviled by many halloweeners (halloweenies?)

Candy Corn.

I found this article on Deadspin today, and it made me so very, very sad. People don’t appreciate Candy Corn the way that I do, how it’s subtle flavors and intricate colors reflect the changing of the season, our slide from the joys of summer to the bitter chill of winter. Or something like that…

Deadspin isn’t the first to come out against the corn-shaped deliciousness. One of my favorite comedy routines is of Lewis Black railing against Candy Corn. That doesn’t bother me, because Black hates everything.

I don’t care, I love the stuff. I love how you can’t define what it tastes like–it’s sweet, but not too sweet…is that fruit flavor? no. Is it corn flavor? No. It kinda tastes like honey, but not really. What the hell is it?

And why is it waxy? Is food supposed to feel like wax? Nothing that feels like that could possibly be healthy…WHAT ARE YOU, CANDY CORN!?

When I was young, people (usually very old people) would actually give Candy Corn to trick or treaters. Most of my friends were disappointed when they heard the corn syrup and wax abomination clang inside their plastic pumpkin basket, but not I. Instead, I thought “at least they’re not Tootsie Rolls…”

candy corn poured

That’s what makes Candy Corn so quintessentially Halloweenie (I settled on halloweenie…yes, i have the sense of humor or a 12 year old). It’s the mystery (what is it), the suspense (will this be awful), and the horror (oh my god, am I gonna die), of it. Candy Corn is the great unknown, the confectionery beast under your bed, waiting to tear your apart with it’s orange, yellow, and white fangs. Just like the approaching winter, Candy Corn is waiting for you, it’s coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Embrace it. EMBRACE THE CANDY CORN! EAT IT! I SWEAR IT DOESN’T SUCK!!!

(you can also press them into your teeth like tasty fangs. Try it, it’s fun)

candy corn dance

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!

If you like fantasy, history, and some pretty extreme weirdness in your fiction, click the graphic below to buy The Watchmage of Old New York on Amazon. It’s flippin awesome. 4.8 stars on Amazon so far (23 reviews)!

The Watchmage Is Coming

doge in space card redux

Coffee Memes to Start Your Day Right

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the-watchmage-is-coming1

Buy The Watchmage of Old New York at Amazon or a ton of other sites (like barnes and noble, iBooks, etc)

Sometimes, coffee (or as I say, cawfee) isn’t enough. You need your coffee with a shot of Funny.

Consider me your barista of the blog. Yes, I know it’s click bait, but it’s funny. In the morning, we need to laugh…or go back to bed.
coffee surprised

I hate when I get up before my alarm. I feel like I’ve cheated myself, so I lie in bed until the buzzer rings. Stupid internal clock.
coffee iv

How convenient would this be? Just jam it into your arm and work. You’ll also save on sugar and creamer.

coffee 25 to life

We’ve all been there…not prison…just wanting to murder someone that talks to you too early.

Inigo coffee die

No words can describe the level of awesomeness. I want this mug.

coffee simon garfunkel

…I’ve come to sip with you again…

coffee gollum

I think that if Gollum had enough coffee, he could’ve resisted the pull of the One Ring. It’d have to be strong coffee, but still…

coffee business cat

Business cat needs to do business things meow.

coffee doge

Oh, you thought Doge wouldn’t appear on one of my meme posts. Wow. Much mislead. So unknow.

doge in space card redux

Promises Promises…Inside Out

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Ok, I swear that I’m going to start adding more source material on NYC History today. I already have something on 19th century slang written (my own notes for Watchmage). I just have to rearrange it for consumption. Right now it’s in a form that only I can understand.

ba8b3-dog-meme-no-idea

I should organize my files better. One day I’m going to be dead, and people are going to need to find my important files…

Inner Critic: Wow, Craig, that’s freaking morbid.
Neuroses: Yeah, people are gonna think you’re all emo and shit. A 38 year old emo. Good job.
Muse: “Whateva, whateva, I do what I want.”
Brain: Will someone make another pot of coffee…PLEASE?

Anyway, I have to do some more editing, but hopefully I’ll get it up soon…

Id: Hehehehe, you said “get it up.”
Sex Drive: You rang?
Neuroses: You’re ruining your blog with dick jokes!
Id: “Moar dick jokes, moar gooder.”
Neuroses: Now you’re just making obscure references.
Id: “I resemble that remark…”
Neuroses: SEE!!!
Brain: If you get me some damn coffee, I’ll be more original!!!
Stomach: *growls*
Brain: “Quiet, you!”
Neuroses: ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN REFERENCES!!
silence….
Id: “Fatality…Neuroses, wins.”
Brain: *sigh*

Now you’ve seen what goes on in my head. Take that, Disney!

Neuroses: You haven’t even seen the movie, and you’re doing a parody.
Brain: It’s ok, I used to watch Herman’s Head.

To be fair, I heard that Inside Out is very good.

This post really went off the rails.

Brain: This wouldn’t happen if YOU GOT ME SOME GODDAMMED COFFEE!!!

Fin

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.7/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, 2014, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

When Doge Memes Collide: Doge Hybrids

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I have a serious addiction to memes. Yes, I love cat memes, space kitteh especially. But nothing…NOTHING…compares to my love of Doge. Ah, Doge, wow, much love, such funny, do want, very laugh, so meme. I have a shirt with Doge drawn like the Stark Dire Wolf. It says “wow, such winter, is coming, much cold.”

And of course, there’s this…

Craig with book and dog head

It doesn’t get geekier, or creepier than that.

Now anyone can make an ordinary Doge meme, but I’m going for something different (because I’m different). Here are some Doge memes combined with other memes. It’s a Titanic Team Up of Shiba Inu proportions (as opposed to the Titanic Team Up I blogged about the other day).

Nic Cage is in your Doge

Such world. Much wonderful.

Good morning Dogeshine. Much Earth so hello.

Doge Fawkes

I really love this one. No joke attached, it stands alone.

Wtf Crowe. Much awful. Ugh voice.

Two of my favorite memes came together for this awesomeness.

Much gin. Such juice.

Doge will survive the nuclear holocaust.

No mistakes. Wow, happy accidents.

I’m kinda over Grumpy Cat. No meme should should have a Christmas movie.

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (you’ll probably have to order it). Of course, you can always buy an autographed one from me, just send me a message. Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so people seem to like it. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

My Favorite Christmas Songs…WTF Edition

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I love Christmas, even though I’m Jewish. I celebrate both holidays (in a way) because most of my friends are Christians and I like the traditions. I even like the music, although by now I’m over it. They started playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, and I can’t take it any more.

That said, I have a few favorites that you don’t often hear on the radio or at the supermarket (a few of them you do, but they’re still awesome). Some of them you might like, some…you get the idea.

Here they are, my favorite Christmas (and a couple of Hannukah) songs.

Merry Christmas From the Family–Robert Earl Keene

A beautiful slice of redneck life. It’s warm, endearing, and hilarious.

The Dreidel Song–South Park

The layered lyrics in this song are perfect. Parker and Stone have a talent for songcraft (and dick jokes)

You’re a Mean One Mister Grinch–Sung by Tim Timebomb and Friends

I inherited my late girlfriend’s love of Tim Armstrong. The song is a classic, and there’s something about Tim’s graveled, broken voice that I freakin’ love. Merry Christmas, Valerie.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town–Sung by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

This is Bruce in all of his glory. If you haven’t seen Bruce in concert, make it happen.

Christmastime For the Jews–Darlene Love on SNL

I never get tired of this. It’s so true (I’m having Chinese food tonight)

River–Joni Mitchell

This is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs ever. It captures the sadness that so many of us feel during the holidays, so far away from our loved ones or having none at all.

O Holy Night–South Park (Cartman)

This is brilliant. I know I posted a South Park one before, but I can’t resist. I also thought about adding “It’s Hard to be a Jew on Christmas,” but two songs is enough.

Ok, I think that’s all for now. Merry Christmas everyone!

RVD Leaves WWE: Song Parody

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Multiple sources are reporting that RVD’s match on Smackdown this week will be his last of the year. RVD only wrestles a few months out of the year, so this is no surprise. He’s basically there to enhance (i.e. job to) up-and-comers like Cesaro, like a level boss of sorts.

I love RVD, and I try to remember him as he was in ECW, when he was the whole fuckin’ show. He was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Even though he’s forty, He’s still got moves, but he’s not as good as he used to be. A hundred matches with Sabu will do that.

I won’t forget that botch 2 months ago where he got tangled in the side apron. It filled me with sad…and sadness.

Colorado and Washington…not that I keep track of these things…drugs are bad, m’kay

Note: I don’t know if RVD still smokes pot or not. He was suspended for pot in 2006. Considering WWE’s wellness policy, he probably doesn’t (while under contract)

So here’s a song I wrote for RVD’s farewell. Enjoy (it’s awful). And check out this Youtube video. It’s proof that RVD caused one of the most famous botches in WWE history.

Goodbye RVD (to the tune of Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind”)

Goodbye RVD
Though I never knew you at all
you have the grace to five star splash
while those around you jobbed.
You did a lot of yoga
THC into your brain
They made you do homoerotic groin splits
and gave initials as your name.

(chorus)
And it seems to me, you lived your life
Like Humpty Dumpty on a Schwinn
Never knowing who to job to,
When the weed kicked in.
And I’m glad I got to watch you,
When you were just a kid,
Your ankle shattered long ago
Your legend never did.

Loneliness was tough
driving from town to town
Whether you played hardcore,
or new age stoner clown.
Even when you jobbed,
The websites hounded you
All the sites they had to say,
That RVD
Was leaving SmackDown soon.

(Chorus)

Goodbye RVD
From the mark in the 22nd row
Who saw you as the fuckin’ man
Not just the whole fuckin’ show.

(Chorus)

Doesn’t that bring a tear to your eye?

Like my posts? Follow my website or “Like” my facebook fan page and/or follow me on Twitter. You can also purchase my debut novel, Song of Simon, at any online bookstore or a real one (they both exist). Song of Simon currently has a 4.8/5.0 rating on Amazon, so it’s pretty damn good. If you’re looking for something FREE, you can read my serial (soon to be an expanded series of novels) The Watchmage of Old New York. Though it ended in February, it remains one of the most popular serials on JukePop OF ALL TIME!

Gay Action Figure Theater (NSFW)

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As I’ve mentioned here before (I think), Valerie used to collect action figures.  Sometimes she would pose them in naughty positions, but hey, who didn’t?  I inherited her action figures, and as a tribute to her, they are all making sweet sweet love down by the metaphorical fire.

She also made this incredible youtube series using her action figures called “Gay Action Figure Theater.”  It’s stars Buffy, Rogue, My Chemical Romance, Pete Wentz, Batman, and Oscar Wilde, among others.  Not only is it brilliantly witty and charming, it does a pretty good job of capturing who Valerie was (especially the rant at the end of part 2).

I love this so much and I wanted to share it with you.  Feel free to share it with the ones you love too.  And hug them, don’t forget to hug them.